Let’s talk this over

It’s not like we’re dead

Was it something I did?

Was it something you said?

I stared at James in shock. Why was he doing this to me? Did he even know what he was doing to me? Couldn’t we talk about this? Apparently not… I looked out the window and gasped, a ghostly graveyard had appeared in the mist below. I went over and leaned right out the window, observing it closely.

“Matt?” James asked, coming over. “What’re you looking at?” he peered out the window curiously.

I looked at him, then turned back, I frowned. It had completely disappeared. “There-There was…” I stammered.

A look of realisation came across James’ face. “Is this your way of getting me back?” he asked in disgust.

“No!” I cried. “But why? What’d I do?”

But James had gone.

Don’t leave me hanging

In a city so dead

Held up so high

On such a breakable thread

I fell to the ground, bashing my face off the ground as I did so. My nose began to bleed and my cheek adorned a shallow gash. I was miserable and I knew it. I hadn’t seen James today. We had a day off… I wandered down the street, holding my now sodden sleeve to my nose, ignoring the throbbing pain in my cheek. I fell onto a nearby bench, resting my legs. I had been walking for hours now. Ever since James had stormed off in fact. I let the tears flow. I was in tears for about a minute. I put my head in my hands. Where was I to go from here? I couldn’t go home… I couldn’t face James! I didn’t know what to do… Once again, the smoky graveyard appeared. I stared at it, “Is this a hint?” I whispered. “Are you trying to tell me something?”

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

My mobile rang, I blinked, and the graveyard faded from view. I looked at the screen of the tiny model, “Jay…” I muttered. “Fuck off, Jay!” I snapped as I picked up.

“Matt?” James sounded concerned. “Where are you? Why haven’t you come home?”

I snorted, “Like I’m welcome there… You’d only ignore me all night! And-…” I paused. “The graveyard keeps appearing. It’s calling me...”

“Matt!” James cried. “I’m sorry! Don’t do this to yourself!”

“Do what?” I asked innocently.

“You know plain well what!” James shouted.

“You’ll have to fill me in Mr. Bourne,” I hissed. “Because I don’t! Have you seen the graveyard?” He didn’t answer, “It’s strange… This is the forth time I’ve seen it… It started when we broke up…”

“Matt!” he cried. “Where are you?” I didn’t answer. “MATT!” he screeched. “I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!”

I smirked, “Not anymore…” I hung up and turned off my phone. Then settled down to sleep. I awoke to James shaking me. I was cold, no scratch that, I was fucking freezing! I was shivering, but I was stubborn. I stood up and tried to walk off, but James caught my arm.

“Uh-uh!” he snapped. “You’re not going anywhere!” he paused. “Except home!” He shook his head, “You’ll catch a cold if you stay out here!”

“Then I’ll catch a cold!” I spat, yanking my arm away, but he just grabbed it again.

“No!” he shouted. “You’re coming home!”

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be

But we lost it

All of the memories so close to me

Just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

I sat on my bed, wrapped in a towel, still shivering. James came in and shook his head at me.

“Could you look any more pathetic?” he asked. I didn’t reply, just fixed him with an even glare of hatred. I got up off my bed and wandered over to the window and looked down at the graveyard below. James came over, “Look, Matt…” he began.

“Do you think it’d let me in?” I interrupted, still staring, transfixed, at the graveyard.

“What?”

“The graveyard…it’s down there. Can’t you see it? It’s getting clearer…” I murmured. James stared at me as if I’d just suggested he fuck an elephant.

“Matt? What are you talking about? What graveyard?”

I let the towel fall to reveal my soaked clothes and leaned out the window, the breeze catching my face. “That one!” I explained, motioning down. James grabbed my arm.

“Matt! Get back in now!” he said firmly, tugging on my sleeve. I ignored him and lent out further. He gave a sharp yank and pulled me back. He shut my window and locked it, pocketing the key afterwards. “Dry off and get some sleep. We’ll talk in the morning…”

“No, we won’t…”

James frowned; “Matt, you can’t avoid this…” he looked bloody gorgeous at the moment, partly wet hair, eyes wide. I would’ve given anything to take him in my arms and kiss him, but I knew I couldn’t do that. He was staring at me too. He picked up the towel and put it back round me, his hands lingering for longer than needed. I planted a soft kiss on his lips. He smiled, “I better go! We will talk in the morning Matt!” And he left.

You’ve got your dumb friends

I know what they say

They tell you I’m difficult

Well so are they

When I went downstairs the next morning, James was waiting for me. A soft wave of hair fell across one of his eyes. “Control yourself…” I murmured as I walked past him.

“Sit down, Matt!” he pleaded. “We need to talk…”

“There’s nothing to talk about!” I snapped. “I know what you’re gonna say!” I crossed my arms, refusing to sit down. “You think I’m mad… Seeing graveyards. You want to send me to a mental hospital.” I smirked at him “I’d rather jump out my window to be honest… Can I have the key back?”

“No,” James replied. “I’m worried about you!” he stood up and came over to me. He touched my arm, “I think you need help…”

I gave a series of coughs that sounded suspiciously like, ‘You’re sending me to a Looney bin!’ and knocked his arm away. “I don’t need help!” I said through gritted teeth. “I need you to leave me alone!”

“I can’t do that…” James whispered, he laid a hand on my cheek. “You’re seeing things… And it’s my fault…”

But they don’t know me

Do they even know you?

All the things you hide from me

All the shit that you do

“BULLSHIT!” I screamed. “THAT’S WHAT THIS IS! PURE BULLSHIT!” I looked into James’ eyes. “You can’t do this to me!”

James took my hand and squeezed it, “It’ll help Matt! Go!” I dug my heels in as the two men tried to drag me off, keeping a firm grip on James’ hand. He eased me off, “Go!” he insisted. “I’ll visit you tomorrow!”

I shook my head, “I’m not going!” I pulled against the huge men. “You can’t make me!”

“Mr. Bourne!” One of the guys panted to James. “We’ll have to drug him to get him there! He won’t stay put!” I pulled harder. They weren’t drugging me! No way! James held onto my hand.

“Calm down Matt! It’s gonna be okay…” he whispered. I felt something being pushed into my side, piercing the side. My vision began to get hazy.

“You bastard!” I murmured and collapsed.

You were all the things I thought I knew

And I thought we could be

I woke in a room I didn’t recognize. There was a bed in the room, but that was it. The walls and ceiling were white and there was a brown, thick carpet. I looked around. Where the fuck was I? Then I remembered. Mental Hospital. I couldn’t believe James! There were no windows and a single door, which on a sharp tug I discovered was locked tightly. I flopped face down on the bed, which was like a bit of rock, and thought. About 30 minutes later the door opened.

“You have a visitor…” a pale nurse murmured. I looked up as she closed the door again. I heard the click as it locked. James was standing by the door.

I flew at him, “You fucked up bastard!”

 He grabbed me and it a sharp movement, spun round and pinned me up against the wall. “Matt!” he hissed. “You have to calm down!”

I tried to get away but he was holding me firmly, “What the fuck should I calm down? You’re the one who put me in this fucked up place!” I spat on him, but he didn’t weaken. “You think the graveyard’ll go away? No… It’ll get clearer and clearer until either I become happy again, impossible. Or I die.” I smirked, “Now which sounds easier to you…?”

James let go of me in disgust and wiped his cheek, “Can’t you just deal with it?”

“I loved you, Jay! More than you ever did me! Sorry if this is hard…” I snapped, turning away.

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be

But we lost it

All of the memories so close to me

Just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

I banged my head off the wall, hard. I wanted out of here, right now. I kept banging. A nurse ran in.

“Matt! Stop it!” she cried.

I looked at her with eyes full of hatred, “Leave me alone! I never wanted to come here so if you don’t mind I’d like to end it alone…” I took a step towards her, she stumbled back.

“Matt! Calm down!” she stammered.

“Calm down? You know how much I’ve heard that in the last week? Well I don’t wanna fucking calm down okay? You try living my life! Then we’ll see if you’re still so positive!” I lashed out and my fingernails cut into the flesh of her cheek. I wasn’t that deep though… She gasped in pain. “Oh, shut up!” I snapped. “That was nothing. You want some real pain?”

“Help in Room 34!” she yelled. The two large men ran in and pulled me back. She relaxed, “You want out, that I understand… But, hurting me won’t do that for you…”

“It just gives me hope…” I snarled. “If I can seriously hurt you when I hardly touch you… If I claw at myself. I’ll be dead within the hour…”

“Engage the cameras!” she called. There was faint click. She smirked at me, “You’re not dying on us.”

“Oh, no?” I tried to walk off to save my pride, but the two guards held onto me. “Fuck off!” I snapped at them.

“Get some sleep,” she said firmly, and left.

“Get some sleep,” I mocked after her. The men glared at me and let go, leaving themselves. I placed one of my sharp fingernails on the flesh of my arm and slowly dragged it down, making a clean cut. My nails were as sharp as knives now. I’d put a lot of work into them since I got put in here. My blood hit the floor, I smiled. You could easily die from blood loss, or pain. All you needed was time, and I had plenty of that. “There we go…” I murmured. I did the same to my other arm. “I’ll finally be happy…”

It’s nice to know that you were there

Thanks for acting like you care

And making me feel like I was the only one

It’s nice to know we had it all

Thanks for watching as I fall

And letting me know we were done

James visited again. I was ready. I grabbed him and shoved him up against the wall. He cried out as the wind was knocked out of him. “Matt…?” I ran a fingernail down the side of his face, watching in satisfaction as he screwed up his perfect features in pain.

“You think that’s sore?” I asked. “It’d nothing compared to the hell of being in here!” I did the same to myself, not even wincing. “You get used to the pain after a while…”

“Your arms!” he gasped. “What’ve you done?”

“Nothing, it would seem,” I snapped. “I’m not fucking dead yet, am I? I dunno how much blood I’ve lost, but surely I should be long gone by now!”

James got away from the wall and wiped blood from his cheek before crying, “Matt, stop trying to kill yourself and you might get out of here.”

“No, I won’t!” I snapped. “And you don’t give a shit! So why are you pretending you do?”

“Matt!” he pleaded. “I do care. I do! Stop doing this!”

“Oh, you do, do you?” I whispered, so only he could hear. “I’d never have guessed…” I ran a nail down my arm, making a fresh slit beside the healing one. James cried out in shock. I smirked as I mimicked the movement for my other arm. “Scaring you now, am I?”

“Help!” James shouted. “He’s slitting himself.” The guards ran in, I glared at him in hatred.

“Did I hurt you badly? No. So what the fuck are you doing calling in Bill and Ben?”

“We’re not called Bill and Ben!” William snapped at me, as they grabbed an arm each.

“William and Benjamin, Bill and Ben, what’s the difference?” I felt their fingers dig into my flesh. “Hey! Squeeze tighter! Burst a blood vessel!”

“Loosen your grip,” James commanded. I fixed him with a cold, even stare.

He was everything, everything that I wanted

I stared at the magazine in hatred. There was interview with Busted, but James’d told them that I was sick. Yeah, right. He’d shoved me into a hellhole he didn’t intend to get me out of…

So what’s up with you guys?

James: Same old, same old… Matt’s not feeling so well right now, though…

Charlie: He went home for a bit, didn’t he?

James: Yeah…

Wrong, Chaz! James’ stringing you along… I’m in a fucking looney bin! I threw the magazine against the wall. I wanted out! I hated it here! I rammed by shoulder against the door in a vain attempt to escape, but all that got me was a numb shoulder. I fell back onto the bed, which was like a big stone, hard and uncomfortable. William came in.

“You done with that?” he asked, picking up the magazine. I nodded. He headed towards the door.

“Bill?” I asked. He slowly turned to face me.

“What?”

“When’ll I be out of here?”

“If you stop hurting yourself and show noticeable progress. Soon.”

“Helpful… You should be an agony aunt…”

A small smile flitted across his face. “Sorry… You’ll have to ask the nurse.”

“I hate her.”

“She’s a bitch, I’ll agree. But she knows.” William shrugged and left.

We were meant to be, supposed to be

But we lost it

All of the memories so close to me

Just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

I was bored. I wanted to do something! But if I wanted out I had to act sane… How long did I have to ignore the graveyard, ignore the temptation to slit myself open? Ignore everything that made me me? Matthew James Willis. If I was even was him anymore. I’d admit that I’d changed. James changed me. When he broke my heart, he changed me. I sat down with a heavy sigh. “Any chance of letting me have a method of entertaining myself?” I asked thin air, knowing that they were always listening. No answer. “Wow, thanks. You’re so much help!”

“We try.” William’s voice echoed in the small room. I couldn’t help but grin.

“Seriously though. I’m bored.”

“Then sleep.”

“I’ve sleep nearly all fucking day!” I cried. There was a chortle on the other end. “I need something to do!”

“Read?” he suggested.

“Yeah…” I muttered. “And I happen to have a book lying on my bed…”

“We can get you one,” Benjamin interrupted. He was the duller of the two, William had more of a personality.

“Yeah, he can get you one,” William confirmed. “I personally can’t be arsed.” There was a thump. “Ow!”

I laughed, “He hit you?”

“Yeah. So you want a book?”

“Or just some paper and a pen. Thanks.”

“Go get it!” I heard William say.

“You go get it! If I go you won’t get any exercise today!”

I cleared my throat,” I can still hear you.”

“Oh!” There was a click and silence. I shook my head, sitting back on my bed patiently. Pretty soon, I’d be out of here, then James would be sorry. Sorry he ever dared to dump me.

You were everything, everything that I wanted

We were meant to be, supposed to be

But we lost it

All of the memories so close to me

Just fade away

All this time you were pretending

So much for my happy ending

“You’re out!” William informed me.

I felt the smile come to my face, “Really?” I jumped off my bed, “Finally!”

“Listen,”  William said as we walked down the corridor. “You’ve done well. But watch yourself, okay? Don’t go back to how you were…”

“Calm down. I’m not going back to that.” I sighed, “Who’s meeting me?”

“The one you call ‘The Bastard’. Your blond friend.”

“Ah…” I said softly. “Oh, Will. By the way, I have to ask you before I go.”

“What?”

“Is Ben always that serious?” I asked with a cheeky grin. A pained expression appeared on the guard’s face.

“Yeah. He’s a pig to work with.”

“Unfortunate…” We rounded a corner and I saw James waiting, my eyes darkened. I stopped.

“Matt?”

“Can’t I go home on my own?” I asked lamely.

William shook his head, a small smile of amusement on his face. “You really hate him, don’t you?” I nodded, my eyes still narrowed down the corridor. He looked over at James, who was watching us curiously.

“I don’t want to see him yet.”

William sighed, “Listen, you don’t have a choice.” He tried to shove me along the corridor but I dug in my heels. “Okay, now you’re just being stupid,” he grunted, pushing on my back. I still refused to move.

“Get Chaz to come get me!” I panted, pushing back against the stronger man with all my strength, which wasn’t much after being in here so long.

“And what am I supposed to tell him?” he asked, finally giving up the fight.

“That I hate him and want Chaz to come get me.”

“You stubborn ass…” William murmured, but he went over to where James was standing. I saw his face fall and he said something. The guard replied and James sighed and took out his phone. He spoke into it for about a minute before hanging up. He said something to William and walked off. William came back over.”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Will! What’s happening?”

“Charlie’s coming,” he muttered.

I pumped my fist, “Yes!”

“Bourne wasn’t happy about it though…”

My arms fell limply to my sides, “Will! Please! Trying to do my celebration dance here!”

So much for my happy ending

“We’re home!” Charlie called as we walked through the front door. I ran upstairs and started shoving as much as I could into a holdall, knowing what I had to do. Once I made sure I had all the necessities, I turned around. “I’m off!” I heard Charlie call. The front door closed with a small thump.

“Going somewhere?” James asked coldly.

“Yup. I’m moving out,” I said simply. “Chaz has his own house, and I want a house.”

“This is your house!” he snapped.

“No,” I murmured. “This is your house. I’m staying at Tom’s for a few days until I find a place of my own. I think I can handle seeing you as a band mate, but that’s it. You’re not a friend anymore, Jay… I’ll come round later for the rest of my stuff.” I headed for the door but he blocked it.

“Why?”

“Why? Jay! You broke my fucking heart! You put me in a mental hospital. If you think I’m just going to forget that, then you’re wrong. I can’t stay here.” I shoved past him and headed downstairs.

“YOU CAN’T JUST WALK OUT ON ME!!” James screamed down the stairs.

I paused at the door, “Oh, can I not? I believe I just have.” I turned and left, slamming the door as loudly as I could behind me, feeling the breeze on my face as I headed out on my own.

So much for my happy ending.