You make me feel like I’m a whore

Like I’m the one who’s there to bore you now

It’s always gonna be this way

Get the fuck away!

“You think I don’t know?!” you hissed, landing another blow squarely on my already painful jaw. “You think you can throw yourself at other men and they’re just going to have you?!”

“Harry,” I begged, holding up my hands in a lame attempt to defend myself. As soon as we’d got in the door it had started. You’d been all smiles as we’d got out the taxi and said goodbye to Tom and Danny, but the second we were in the door, you were at it again. Screaming at me, hitting me, accusing me of things I could never do.

“You’re a fucking slut!” you hollered at me, fury lining every crevice of your face. “You think I didn’t see you feeling up Danny?! He’s never going to want you, Dougie… You’re so pathetic that I’m the only one who could ever love you…”

“I know. I know,” I told you, tears streaming down my face as a result of the pain you were causing me. “I’ll never touch him again, Harry. I’m all yours.”

“I shouldn’t have had to remind you of that!” he screamed. His hand flew out, and he backhanded me. I stumbled back as red-hot pain flew through my cheek, and I fell to the floor. Landing face down, I didn’t bother to get up. Instead, I just lay there, sobbing quietly to myself.

You had every right to punish me. I shouldn’t be looking at other men, it was disrespectful to you. Even although the careless flirting with Danny really didn’t mean anything, I shouldn’t have done it. I was lucky to have you in my life, I couldn’t lose you. No-one else would ever love me as much as you did.

I felt a hand on my arm. “Get up,” you demanded. I did as I was told, and stared into your eyes. They were dark with anger, and fear rose in my throat.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. You smiled gently, and brushed away the tears that fell over my cheekbone, as if that would brush away it all.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Dougie…” you said softly. “But if I don’t punish you, you’ll never learn.” You touched your lips to mine softly- and for a fleeting instant I felt loved, like we used to be, before you pulled away again. “You have to learn…”

“I’m trying,” I promised you. “I am. I can’t ignore Danny.”

“But you don’t have to touch him,” you corrected, still in the same kind voice. “He doesn’t want to be touched by you… He told me it repulses him when you do…” You stroked your thumb lovingly over my cheek again, “Do you want to repulse him, Dougie? Do you want to drive the band apart?”

I shook my head, “No. I don’t.”

“Then leave him alone…” You touched your lips to mine again, “I’m going to go out, and give you time to think. Don’t leave the house, and don’t get in trouble.” You studied me, “And clean your face. We don’t want anyone to know how disobedient you are…”

I shook my head, “No. We don’t. I love you, Harry.”

“I know you do…” You smiled at me, and walked out the door. I fell back against the wall, and let the tears resume falling down my face again.

I didn’t know who you were anymore. There were times when you were so sweet, and so caring, but then you suddenly attacked me. I wanted things to go back to how they were before, when you were playful, flirtatious and fun.

But lately you seemed to be seeing more of the faults in me. I had tried to hide them from you, tried to behave myself, but you knew what I was really like, and I was terrified that you would grow to hate me.

I didn’t deserve you. I knew that. I’d never deserved you, but you’d loved me despite all my imperfections, and I loved you back with all my heart. You claimed I kept looking at other men, but no-one would ever be as perfect as you.

I just hoped I didn’t mess it up once and for all.

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see

I can never give you anything you need

I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be

I cannot control you into wanting me

You had done serious damage this time round, was my thought as I stared at my reflection in the mirror in the hallway. The skin around my eye was going to bruise seriously, and my lip was split down the centre and still seeping a messy trail of dark blood. I hated looking in the mirror; it always reminded me just how ugly I was. You always forced me to stare into them when you were trying to prove a point to me.

I turned away from the monstrosity with a snort of disgust. And picked up my coat, which I’d dropped as we entered, and hung it up on the hook. You’d upturned a bowl of potpourri that my mother had given me to ‘freshen up’ our new house as we had moved into it, and it was now all over the floor.

I dropped to my knees and started to clear it up; scooping up all the pieces and depositing them neatly back in the bowl. The doorbell rang, and I got up. That was quick. Had you decided I’d had enough time to think already? Sure enough, my brain had been going double since you’d left.

I pulled open the door slowly to be faced with…Tom! His jaw dropped as he saw me, and the look on his face changed drastically from boredom to horror. “What happened to your face?!”

Letting out a gasp as I realised I was yet to clear up my newly attained injuries, I attempted to shut the door in his face, but he managed to wedge one Converse-clad foot in the gap before it completely disappeared. He winced as the door connected heavily with the side of it, but kept it there.

“What happened, Dougie?” he asked calmly. “Let me in.”

“Leave me alone! I’m fine!”

“Then why try to shut me out?!” he asked urgently. I didn’t answer, but pushed on the door, like that would make the heavy wood move miraculously through his foot and close the door.

He applied more pressure on the other side, and I was slowly moved back, centimetre by centimetre. It was then that he managed to push his way in and shut the door behind me, staring at me. I pushed at his arm pleadingly:

“You have to go! Harry won’t like that you were here when he wasn’t!”

“Did Harry do this to you?” he asked, his eyes narrowing at my desperation.

I shook my head furiously. If I told Tom the truth, he would see what a failure I was, and I couldn’t have. No. No-one could know about my punishments. “No. I fell over.”

“And blackened your eye and split your lip?” he asked in disbelief. He was right. It sounded stupid, but I had to stick with it now I’d said it.

“It was a really bad fall.”

“Does Harry know you fell?” he asked. I could tell he still didn’t believe me by the bitter tone of his voice. He didn’t understand why I was lying to him, and it had hurt his feelings that I had. I was useless. I hurt everyone.

I shook my head, “No. He went out. You have to go before he gets back.”

“I’m not going until you let me take a look at that lip,” he said stubbornly, leaning back against the door so I couldn’t budge him or it.

“Fine.” I stalked off to the kitchen to collect the first aid kit. I felt him following me. I sat down at the kitchen table and set it out. He walked to the sink, and wet the clean cloth next to it.

Moving back over me, he began to clean up the blood, his touch gentle and comforting. I relaxed into the chair. He wasn’t going to hurt me. When Tom got mad, he didn’t hurt you, he just gave you this look like he was really disappointed in you- which was often worse. “So why was he mad?”

My eyes flicked up to meet his warm, brown gaze, “He wasn’t mad. I fell.”

“Don’t take me for an idiot, Dougie,” he said patiently. “I know full well what happened, and I think it’s wrong.”

“Well, no-one asked you for your opinion!” I said hotly. “I deserved it. I shouldn’t have touched Danny. I shouldn’t have been such a whore. It’s as simple as that.”

“Did he tell you you were a whore?” Tom asked, setting the cloth to the side and turning to the first aid box.

“I am a whore,” I said simply. “You saw me with Danny today. I was throwing myself at him like a common prostitute. I don’t blame him for getting upset. I’m his boyfriend, and I should act like it. I’m his.”

“Oh, my God. Do you seriously believe this crap?!” he asked incredulously, stalking angrily over to the freezer with the cloth. He got some ice out and wrapped it in the cloth, securing it.

“It’s not ‘crap’, Tom! This is my relationship!” I shouted.

He snorted, “What relationship?! He treats you like shit, and you just keep crawling back for more… You don’t deserve him.”

“I know I don’t!” I exploded. He looked shocked. “You don’t think I don’t know how much better than me he is? How worthless I am in comparison? But, for some weird reason, he loves me, and I’m lucky to have found someone who’ll have me!”

“You’re a hundred times better than he is!” he shouted right back at me, his voice- if possible- even louder than mine. I froze. “You don’t deserve to be treated like this! This is just a result of his own low self-esteem and paranoia! To make himself feel better, he’s dragging you down!”

“What if I need to be dragged down?!”

“If you’re dragged down any fucking further, you’ll be under the fucking ground!!” he screamed. He threw his ice-pack at me. “Hold that over your eye.”

You always wanna steal the light

By stepping on the ones who fight for you

It’s always gonna be the same

Get the fuck away!

“Remember, Dougie...” you told me sternly as we entered the building for the assigned photo-shoot of the day. “Try not to make Danny feel uncomfortable…”

I nodded obediently, “I won’t. I promise.”

The night before, Tom had managed to get out the house before you got back, and when you did, you didn’t suspect a thing, and complimented me on how well I’d cleaned up.

Tom had forced me to tell him everything, and I had. He still didn’t believe in what you were doing, but I swore to him that it would just get worse if he interfered. I still thought I deserved everything I got, but he’d commanded me never to say that.

Tom couldn’t see why I let you put me down, control me. He just didn’t understand how deep our love was- how you had to do this to me, or our love would never reach our full potential together.

“Ah, there you are,” Fletch said briskly as we entered the correct room. “Right, we’ve decided. Dougie, you and Danny are going to be photographed together, then Tom and Harry, and then we’ll get you all together for the group shot.”

“I want to go with Dougie,” you said quickly, the grip on my arm tightening. You didn’t want me to go with Danny. You were scared I was going to flirt with him again, even though I’d promised not to.

“No, Harry,” Fletch told you sternly. “You and Dougie always go together. Your fans know that you’re very in love, but they want to see you with someone else. Okay… Since you don’t seem to like that choice… Harry, go with Danny, and Dougie with Tom.”

You nodded, your grip loosening now I was with Tom instead. Tom wasn’t a threat in your eyes. But, as you pulled me off the dressing room, I began to wonder if you were going to remind me anyway. “What’s wrong?” I asked as you pushed me in ahead of you.

“I don’t want you to think that because you’re with Tom that you can misbehave,” you warned me.

“I don’t think that, Harry,” I vowed, taking your hands in mine. “I’m not interested in anyone else. I love you, and nothings going to change that, I promise you.” I moved up and kissed you softly, letting you feel how much I loved you. Secretly, I was glad I was with Tom rather than Harry or Danny, he was less overbearing.

“Harry?” there was a knock on the door. It was Tom. Harry pulled away from me and unlocked the door to let him in. “You have to go and get your make-up done and get changed. You and Danny are going first.”

You nodded, “Okay. Remember what I said, Dougie.” You leaned down and whispered in my ear, “He’s not interested. He thinks you’re weak, and annoying.” Then your lips brushed over my cheek and you were gone.

“Why didn’t he want you to be with Danny?”

“I’m a whore- he doesn’t want me to get out of control,” I explained. “Danny doesn’t like me anyway, so it was for my own good.”

Tom pulled off his coat, “Did Harry tell you that?”

“Yes.” I looked straight into his eyes, “And you think I’m weak and annoying.” I turned away, “I don’t care, Tom. As long as Harry loves me, you and Danny don’t matter. You don’t have to fake it.”

“We’re not faking it,” he claimed. “We don’t hate you, Dougie!”

“You have every right to be repulsed by me!” I cried. “I’m lazy, I’m self-centred, I can’t get anything right! Why the hell would you have any interest in what’s up with me?! I’m worthless! He’s the only person who loves me!”

“He’s an idiot for making you think this way about yourself,” Tom said softly, moving towards me. “You’re not lazy- you’re the most devoted and determined person I know. You never consider your own feelings in the equation- so ‘self-centred’ is a lie. You’re an amazing bassist, and you always know what to do to help when someone’s feeling down.”

He continued without a pause, remembering my statements in the right order, “I have interest because I care about you, Dougie. And I’m not going to desert you, not matter what Harry tells you. You’re not worthless; there are a lot of people who couldn’t live without you. And…”

He couldn’t argue with that. I was unlovable. “And?” I prompted.

I wasn’t expecting what came next in the slightest. He took a step closer to me, and captured my lips with his. He didn’t take it any deeper, but the kiss lingered, making my whole body tingle. His eyes opened slowly, and I found myself staring into the beautiful brown orbs. “He’s not the only one who cares about you…” he whispered, his lips brushing mine again with every word he spoke.

I pushed forward so my mouth clashed with his again. This time the kiss went deeper, but it didn’t feel wrong to me, it felt amazing… I needed this comfort. Tom had always been so nice to me, and I was inclined to believe what he was saying. But I couldn’t leave you. I pushed him back as soon as that thought occurred to me, “No!”

He nodded, “Okay. I understand. I’m sorry.” He moved to the door and opened it, “We have to get ready, anyway…”

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see

I can never give you anything you need

I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be

I cannot control you into wanting me

“Hey, Dougie,” Danny greeted, appearing next to me once the shoot was over. I tensed up. You were just across the room, talking to Fletch. I didn’t want you to think I was flirting with Danny again, but I didn’t want to hurt Danny’s feelings.

“Hi,” I whispered.

He put his arm around me companionably, and led me away from all the people, over to the wall. “Are you okay? You haven’t been talking to me as much usually. Harry said you were feeling unwell.”

I sighed, “Yeah… I’m just feeling a little delicate right now. I’m not sure what it is.”

He reached up a hand and touched it to my eye gently, “What happened? Do you have a black eye?”

Oh, no. Not him and Tom. I couldn’t handle both of them on my case about this. “No. I’m just tired,” I told him.

“Doug,” he said, a serious note in his voice. “You’d tell me if something was up, wouldn’t you? You’re not hiding anything from me?”

“You’re my best friend, Danny,” I promised him. “I would never keep anything from you.” I hated that I was lying to him, but I didn’t want him to know how pathetic I was.

He gave me a warm hug. “I’m glad,” he murmured into my ear.

“What’s going on?”

I tensed up, and Danny only squeezed me tighter before releasing me. You were standing there with a judgemental look on your face as you stared at us, your eyes boring into me. I felt instantly shamed. You had told me not to go near Danny, and not to make him feel uncomfortable, and I’d disobeyed you.

“I was just telling him to feel better,” Danny said smoothly, smiling at you. “You said he was feeling a little down, and I got worried about him.”

“Thanks, Danny, but he’ll be fine with a little rest. Dougie, we have to go.” You took hold of my arm and pulled me away. “You just can’t keep your hands to yourself, can you?” you hissed.

“He hugged me! Was I meant to shove him off?!”

“He wouldn’t have hugged you if you weren’t such a slut.” You looked disgusted as you pushed me out the door ahead of you, “You make him uncomfortable, and he’s scared that if he doesn’t keep hugging you, you might try to take it further with him.”

“He never said that. I wouldn’t.”

“Get in the car,” you commanded. I opened the door and climbed in. I took a deep breath as you moved round to the driver’s side of the car. You were going to punish me for this, and I wasn’t looking forward to it in the slightest.

“Yes, you would,” you snarled, turning the key in the ignition. “Because you don’t seem to be satisfied by what I give you.”

“Baby, I love you. Why wouldn’t I be satisfied?”

“Shut the fuck up!” you shouted, as we pulled out of the car park at an alarming speed. “I don’t want to hear your pathetic voice right now! You disgust me!”

“Harry, slow down,” I panicked, realising how fast the car was going. I put a hand on my seat belt, knowing that was all I could do.

“Why should I do what you tell me when you constantly disobey me?!” The car jerked round a corner, making me cry out.

“Harry, I know you’re mad at me, but killing both of us is not going to help!”

“You-!”

“Stop the fucking car, Harry!” I screamed. You slammed on the breaks, and the car skidded slightly before stopping. If we hadn’t have been on a side street, someone would have ploughed into the back already.

I took a deep breath. My chest hurt, and my heart was still beating so fast I worried it was about to burst out my chest. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked evenly.

“What did you-?”

“You’re a bloody maniac!” I shouted. “Did you hear that? You almost bloody killed us!” I pulled open the door, and stepped out. “I’ll walk home,” I told him, before slamming it shut. The car sped off faster than I thought it could. If there was dust to kick off, it would’ve been doing so. I sighed, and began to head home.

I hate what you are!

I’ll break you and leave you scarred!

It was dark when I finally made it back to the house. Turns out, it wasn’t intelligent to get out the car when it was an hours walk from the house and leave my wallet in the car so I couldn’t even catch a taxi home.

I let myself into the house, and was surprised not to see you standing there with a face like thunder. I shut the door behind me, and moved up the stairs and into our bedroom. I took off my jacket and placed it neatly over the chair, then moved towards the door to find you. Just outside the bedroom door, I smacked into something solid.

“Hello, Dougie.” You were smiling at me, but there was an ugly look in your eyes, and the smile looked too bright to be genuine. I hated when you smiled at me like that. It made me feel so afraid of you.

“Hey…” I muttered.

“Where were you?” You reached up a hand to move my hair out of my eyes. Your voice was soft, but I’d learnt not to trust that voice over a year ago.

“Walking home…”

“Well, you shouldn’t have got out of the car,” you said slowly. I took a step in retreat, sensing something was coming. You took a step towards me, still speaking in the same soft tone: “I think you deserve to be punished, Dougie. You shouted at me, you insulted me, and you stormed out of the car.”

“I’m sorry, Harry. Don’t hurt me,” I begged. “Please, don’t hurt me.”

“If I don’t punish you, you’ll never learn, Dougie,” you murmured. I took another step back, now back in the bedroom. “Don’t you want to learn, Dougie…?”

I tried to run round you, but you grabbed hold of my arm and slammed me forcefully into the wall. I let out a sob of anguish at seeing the look on your face. You were looking at me like I was the most vile, disgusting, ugly creature you had ever laid eyes on. “Harry, please,” I pleaded.

“I have to punish you, baby,” you whispered, your unrelenting grip meaning I was stuck fast to the door. Your mouth crashed down on mine roughly, so hard that I couldn’t even respond. My heart rate sped up. What were you doing? You had never done this before!

I gasped as your hands went to my belt, and I shoved you off. “What are you doing?!”

You leaned right into me, trapping me with your body, “Don’t act like you don’t want it, you whore…” You kissed me hard again, crushing me, your hands pulling down my trousers. You shoved down my boxers, and grabbed hold of me, fumbling.

I moaned in protest as my knees weakened. I didn’t want this! You couldn’t do this to me! This was never meant to happen without my consent! “Harry, let me go,” I gasped.

“Shut up,” you hissed. You yanked off my hoodie harshly, and I cried out as you caught my ears- where the flesh tunnels were still smarting after you’d scolded me for not getting rid of them, not understanding that I couldn’t shrink them back down again now they were over five millimetres.

So you’d told me you’d stretch them even bigger for me, and none of my protests would stop you. Only when one of them started bleeding did you give up, and it still hadn’t healed again.

You pulled my t-shirt off as well, and I shivered. “Take off your shoes,” you ordered. And I stepped out of them.

“Harry… Don’t do this to me,” I implored you, hoping you’d listen to me. “Harry!” I tried again as you pulled me away from the door and shoved me onto the bed face down. I tried to roll over, but you held a hand to my back.

“Stay where you are!” I sobbed bitterly as you held me down. I could hear you undressing, and then I felt your hands on my bum. “I don’t like having to do this to you, Doug,” you said into my ear. “But you’ve left me no other option.”

“I’ll behave myself!” I promised through my tears. “Don’t do this to me! I’ll do anything!”

“That’s what worries me, you fucking slut!” Without warning, you shoved into me, not even preparing me first. I screamed in agony.

“Stop! Harry, stop!” I gave another scream as you began to thrust in and out of me. The override of the pain never came, all I could feel was your pelvis striking against my ass cheeks continually as you keep thrusting into me with all your might. Why was no pleasure coming to cancel out the torture?

Was there too much torture to cancel out?

I hate what you are!

I’ll break you and leave you scarred!

I hate what you are!

I slammed my clenched fist down on the doorbell and collapsed weakly on the doorstep. Once you had fallen asleep, I had climbed out of bed, pulled on the first clothes that came to hand and ran out of there. I hadn’t known where I was running to, but I was sure I’d find out soon enough. When I’d seen this door, I’d realised just where I’d been running.

“Dougie!” Tom gasped as he pulled open the door.

“Tom… He made me bleed,” I whispered.

He squatted down so he was closer to where I was on the doorstep, “What did he do?”

“He made me bleed.”

I saw shock cross his face. “Did he take a knife to you?” he demanded.

I shook my head, a strangled sob leaving my lips as I turned away from the light that flooded out of his door and onto the step. I didn’t want him to see me properly. “He raped me,” I said in a voice that was barely audible.

“Dougie… You’re going to have to speak louder,” he told me, putting a hand on my arm comfortingly. I jerked my arm away. He couldn’t touch me. He couldn’t be marred with my flaws.

“He raped me,” I repeated clearly.

Tom let out a strangled noise, and I turned to see him staring at me with wide eyes that were filled with shock and disgust. I shied away from him and tried to move back, but he took hold of my arm gently, not like you had. “He raped you?” he repeated slowly.

I nodded, and anger filled his face. He stood up, “I’m going to fucking kill him!”

I grabbed hold of his leg before he could move off, “Tom! Don’t anger him! Please! Don’t make him punish me again! I’ll deserve it and he’ll punish me again. I just want the pain to go away…”

His face creased into an expression I couldn’t quite identify. It seemed familiar, but I hadn’t seen it in so long that I’d forgotten what it meant to be looked at like that. “Dougie…” he murmured, dropping to his knees again. “Let’s get you inside, yeah?”

“I have to get the blood off.”

“We’ll get the blood off,” he promised. “Come on.” He put an arm around me and helped me to my feet. I wasn’t scared to let him touch me. Tom wouldn’t hurt me. He shut the front door behind us and led me up to the bathroom.

“You have to get out of those clothes,” he said softly. “Do you need help?” I nodded, not feeling able to do anything myself. He eased the jumper I was wearing over my head, and took off my jeans carefully. I heard a sharp intake of breath as he saw the blood inside them. I hadn’t taken the time to put on boxers. I’d just needed to escape.

“Tom,” I whispered. “It’s burning. It’s burning so badly.”

“Ssh,” he soothed, taking off my trainers. “We’ll get you better again…” He helped me over to the bath, and sat me down in it. He turned on the shower, and tested it against his hand. He took my hand and brought it back so I could test it as well. “Is that too hot?”

The water was set at a low temperature, but it burnt my flesh. I whimpered. “Can you make it colder?”

“Of course.” He turned it down a notch, “How about now?” The water was cool, and soothing against my skin. I nodded, and he sprayed it over my back gently, giving me a moment to change my mind, then he moved it down.

I gasped in pain as the water came into contact with the throbbing area. My genitals felt like they were on fire, and the water was soothing that slightly, and it was washing away the blood that you had spilled. Tom’s hands were gentle as he ensured it was all cleaned up, and I was reminded of how rough yours hand been as you held me down.

I let out a choking sob, and Tom turned off the shower, and put his arms round me in a protective manner, letting me know he was here for me. “Why are you so nice?” I asked him. “I’m fucking worthless. I let my boyfriend rape me, and you’re helping me…?”

“If you could’ve stopped him, you would’ve,” he said confidently into my ear. “You’re not worthless, Doug. I don’t think you are… You should have told us what was happening. You don’t deserve this.”

“Yes, I do. I got out the car.” A tear slid free of my hot eyes, despite the fact I was trying so hard to hold back my tears that my throat was aching, “He was driving too fast, so I got out the car, and he punished me.”

“Don’t you ever believe that you deserve this!” Tom said loudly, making me jump. “If he was driving too fast, you were right to get out the car. That doesn’t mean he had to rape you!”

“He loves me. He wants me to learn.”

“I love you! If I wanted you to learn, that is not how I would go about it!” he snapped. I turned to stare at him.

“You…love me?”

He diverted his gaze, a flush creeping into his cheeks. “We have to get the rest of this blood off,” he muttered.

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see

I can never give you anything you need

I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be

I cannot control you into wanting me now

I waited until I knew you were out the next day before going back to the house. Tom had told me to stay at his overnight, to give you time to calm down. He didn’t want you to hurt me again. I had seen in the mirror- my lower back and buttocks was all bruised from what you had done to me, and you could see in my shoulders where you had pressed me down so you could violate me. It had disgusted me to see it, but- for once- I wasn’t disgusted with myself. I was disgusted by you.

I couldn’t believe we had turned into this. We used to be so perfect, and loving, and real, and then you started getting jealous, and paranoid. You kept hitting me, and I told myself I deserved it. I was so convinced I deserved everything I got.

But I never once asked you to rape me. I never did anything to deserve that.

This was the final straw, and I’d had enough. I was leaving. Tom said I could live with him until I found somewhere else. I was going to pack a bag, leave a note, and go there.

I walked into the bedroom, and was surprised to find it totally cleared of all the clothes and the bed made neatly. Normally it was me that did that kind of thing. I walked over to the wardrobe, pulled out the suitcase and began to cram as much of my clothes in it as possible. I put my prized bass into its bag and leaned it by the door of the bedroom.

As I was clearing out the drawer on my side of the bed, I found a picture. It had been taken back when we’d first gotten together, and it showed us as I wished we still were. It had been a sunny day, and Danny had decided to have a barbeque. Tom had been playing with the camera, and just as it was about to take, you had swooped in and kissed me on the cheek. I was laughing happily in the picture. But that time was gone. You were gone.

“What are you doing?” I turned around at the sound of your voice, fear striking into my heart. I dropped the photo frame onto my foot with a loud thunk, and swore loudly in shock. I shut the drawer and moved over to the bed to close the suitcase.

“I’m leaving.”

“Why?” you asked in surprise.

I leaned on the closed suitcase heavily, “Because we’re not us anymore, Harry. All this relationship is now is you taking what you want, and me having to put up with all your insecurities.” I looked up at you, “And I’m fucking sick of it.”

I wasn’t scared of you, I realised. The sharp reality of the rape had snapped me back into myself, and I wasn’t taking this crap from you anymore. I wasn’t hiding myself under a cloak just to please you.

You were staring at me with wide eyes, and shock all over your face. “Is that really what you think of me?” you demanded.

“Don’t fucking raise your voice like it’s going to do anything!” I hollered. “I’m not afraid of you! I’m not going to let you control me!” I shook my head slowly, “I spent two years being afraid of you, afraid of what you could do to me, but I’m not doing that anymore. I’m not wasting my life letting you beat me up whenever you see me talking to someone else!”

You shook your head slowly, “You wouldn’t leave me, Dougie. You wouldn’t dare… Who else would have you?”

“I already have somewhere to stay,” I said quietly. Your jaw dropped. “I’m going, Harry. You’ve pushed it too far this time.”

“I was just trying to help you to learn!” you shouted. “Dougie, why can’t you see that?! I thought you understood that?!”

“I thought I did,” I told you evenly, pulling the heavy suitcase off the bed and putting it on the floor. “But then… What did I do you merit being raped? What could I have possibly done to deserve that?!”

“I didn’t rape you!” you cried. “You were begging for it!”

“Really?” I asked dryly. “Should I get you a dictionary? ‘Cause last time I checked, when someone shouts ‘stop’- and is generally screaming in total agony- they’re not ‘begging for it’.” I picked up the suitcase and moved towards the door.

You grabbed my wrist as I reached for my bass. “You can’t do this to me, Dougie,” you whispered, your eyes pleading with me. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” I said honestly. Your eyes lightened slightly. “But that’s why I have to go. I can’t watch you destroy yourself anymore…” I pulled my arm free and walked out past him, not looking back once, for fear I would realise just what I was doing.

Into wanting me now

Into wanting me now

Tom pulled me into a hug the second he saw me come into the living room. “You did it…” he murmured as I dissolved into tears on his chest. “You did the right thing…”

“Then why does it feel like I’m broken?” I sobbed. “Why does it feel like someone’s pulled out my heart and stomped on it so many times that it can’t function anymore?”

“It’ll get better,” he promised, leading me into the living room and pulling me down onto the sofa gently. “I know you loved him, Dougie. I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through right now, but I’m going to help you through this.”

I leaned into him, just needing the comfort, “It hurts so much, Tom. I know it shouldn’t after what he did to me… But it does.”

“It was going to,” he said softly. “I’m sorry you have to go through this…” He felt as I began to shift away from him, “What? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t… I can’t do this to you.”

“Do what to me?” he asked with a frown. “Dougie, what do you mean?”

I put a hand to the side of his face, “You have feelings for me. Feelings I never would have believed or accepted existed towards me. I can’t rub it in your face by staying here.” I looked down at my lap, then back up into his confused gaze, “I’m going to find somewhere else to live. I’ll call Danny.”

“But-”

“I can’t get into another relationship right now, Tom,” I told him. “I’m not going to let myself be hurt again. Even if I know you wouldn’t, there’s always going to be paranoia. Staying here would be like giving you false hope.”

“I don’t care,” he said firmly. I blinked at him expectantly. “I don’t care if you don’t want a relationship. I’d rather have you here, where I know you’re safe, than off where he can get you. I don’t need a relationship.”

“Tom, I can’t ask you to-”

“But you can ask me to walk away?” he whispered. His eyes bored into mine. I stroked my thumb along his cheekbone gently.

“I don’t want you to feel like there’s any chance-”

“Dougie, I’m not going to shove you into anything just because you’re living with me!” he exclaimed, hurt lining his voice. “Not if you don’t want it. Not if you’re not ready.”

My hand fell away from his face, “What if I’m never ready?”

“Then I’d still rather have you here as a friend,” he insisted. “I need you to know you have someone to rely on. That Harry wasn’t right. I want to help you see that you’re not worthless.” He took hold of the hand that was tingling with the lack of contact with him, instantly warming it again, “Please stay, Dougie. Don’t go.”

“Why are you so desperate for me to stay if nothing’s going to happen with us?”

He looked down at his lap, his dark eyes seeming darker all of a sudden. “I…” he mumbled, then trailed off. I squeezed his hand comfortingly, leaning forward to lay my other hand on his arm. He looked up into my eyes, “As long as you’re here, I can make sure you don’t go back to him.”

I felt tears come to my eyes, “Tom, I’m never going to-”

“But what if he talks you round,” he asked hoarsely. “Dougie, I can’t let him hurt you again. Promise me you’ll tell me if he approaches you. Promise me.”

“I promise,” I whispered. I hugged him tightly, a tear leaking out my eye and landing on his shoulder, marking the fabric of his t-shirt. “He’s not going to get anywhere near me. I’ve left him, Tom. I’m not going back to him.”

Into wanting me now

“We’ll be there at seven, okay? Right. See you later, Danny.” I hung up the phone with a smile, and turned my attention back to the mountain of dishes I seemed to have made while cooking a simple meal. Two years had passed since I had left you, and you had tried to talk me back to you, as Tom had said. I had refused, but when you’d hit me that just made me even surer that you were never going to touch me again.

The front door opened. “Doug?” Tom called through the apartment. “Are you here?”

I smiled, “In the kitchen!” I had stayed at Tom’s since leaving you, and he had never tried to pressure me into anything with him. Rather the opposite, he had tried to move on to spare me, and I had gotten jealous. Jealous to the point that I had kissed him as he walked in one night about a year ago, claiming that I wanted him to be with me. A little desperate, perhaps, but it had worked.

“Wow,” he marvelled as he walked into the kitchen. “What’s all this?”

“Get out,” I commanded, pointing a figure at the door. “It’s a surprise.”

He laughed, “But I’m already-”

“Out!”

He rolled his eyes, “Fine… Jeez… When did you get so domestic?” But he let me push him out of the kitchen and shut the door in his face.

I turned back to preparing the meal. I had decided to make him a meal because I thought that tonight was the night that I might finally be ready to sleep with him. We had been putting it off because I wasn’t comfortable yet, but I loved him so much, and I think I was finally ready to throw off the blanket you had shoved over my life. You were in a mental rehabilitation sorting out your issues, and I was sorting out mine.

Ten minutes later, I completed the finishing touches to the stew, and turned it down to simmer, then I walked through to the living room. Tom had changed out of his suit, and was dressed in casual clothes. The band had broken up after what you had done to me, and Tom had gotten a job in a bank. I had always laughed at him, but he seemed to enjoy it. He looked up as I walked in.

“Does this mean I’m allowed back in the kitch-?” He was broken off as I swung myself onto his lap and attached my lips to his. My hands drove into his hair as I forced my tongue past the lips that parted in shock, and he gripped my hips as his tongue met mine passionately.

“Mm,” he murmured as we broke away. “I don’t want in the kitchen now.” He pressed a kiss to my neck.

“But I made you tea,” I said, pouting pathetically. His whole face lit up, and he grinned at me happily.

“You did?” I nodded. He kissed me again briefly, and nudged me off his lap, before taking me by the hand and leading me through to the kitchen. He stared at the stew bubbling on the stove. “I love you,” he told me in a whisper.

I giggled at his amazement, “I love you too.”

As we sat down to eat, we fell into companionable silence, broken only by Tom’s story from work that day. Every time he looked at me I was entranced. How could I never see this before? Why had I had to endure what you had given me in order to find him?

“I’ll clear up,” he told me, getting to his feet.

“No, I-”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he told me, standing up. “You cooked, and I’ll clean. It’s only fair.” He leaned across the table to peck me on the lips lightly. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I told him softly. He smiled at me and moved over to the sink with the dishes. I moved up behind him as he filled the sink.

He jumped slightly as I slid my hands up his sides. I inclined my head so I could press a kiss to the soft skin of his neck. He moaned as I kissed it properly, letting my mouth slide across it. “Dougie…” he muttered.

I moved my lips to his ear, “Forget the dishes.”

He turned to face me, a look of shock and concern on his face, “Are you sure?”

I framed his face in my hands, “I’m sure. I love you, Tom. I’m not going to let him continue to ruin us.” I kissed him deeply, then stared into his eyes, “Make love to me.”

I had been scarred by you, but you were not going to destroy the rest of my life even after I had left you. I wasn’t going to let you do that. And that night, as I made love to Tom, I felt complete, I felt wanted, I felt loved. And you didn’t cross my mind once.

Into wanting me