It’s a windy day, and my hair whips around my face as I walk down the row of sand dunes that lines the back of the North Berwick beach. My hands are thrust deep into my pockets as I keep my body tense in order to fight off the worst of the cold.

I have no idea what inspired me to come here. It’s been two years since I’ve last been here, but the beach still seems so familiar to me.

~~~~~~

“We’re playing Edinburgh, tonight,” Fletch told us as the tour bus slowed to a stop. “And I know how stressed you’ve all gotten with the tour, so we’re making a pit stop.”

Dougie was asleep against my shoulder, and I couldn’t bear to wake him so he could listen. When he was asleep, he always looked so serene- angelic. But when you woke him up, you know that wasn’t going to be the case at all.

“Where are we stopping?” Danny asked. I was distracted slightly by the fact that Dougie snuffled slightly and burrowed into my arm, a smile curling on his lips. I ran my hand through his hair, grinning as he nuzzled my hand.

“So let’s go,” Fletch concluded. I blinked. How had I managed to miss his spiel about where we were? Where were we? Close to Edinburgh, presumably.

“North Berwick, mate,” Danny told me softly, leaning over. “That’s where we are.” He grinned at me, “He’s cute just now, but wait until he’s awake.” He gave Dougie’s hair a quick ruffle before following Harry off the bus.

Danny was fully aware of my crush on the bassist. He didn’t slag me off about it. If anything, he was always encouraging me to do something about it, but I never could. Dougie was Dougie. He was bi, but there was no way he was attracted to me.

Time to wake up sleeping beauty. “Dougie…” I whispered softly, shaking his arm gently. He shifted his weight, his hand coming up to rest on my chest. He murmured something in his sleep. I tried again, “Doug?”

Those gorgeous grey-blue eyes flicked open, and focused on my t-shirt. Then he looked up at me, “Hm…? What happened?”

I grinned at him as he rubbed sleep from his eyes, “We’ve stopped. You fell asleep on me, but I had to wake you up.”

He made a non-committal noise, “Sorry about that.”

I smiled down at him, “It’s fine.” He was still holding onto me, even now he was awake. I didn’t mind, though. Dougie liked hugging me. Sure, he let Harry hug him, but all of the blond’s hugs were mine.

He rested his head on my shoulder contentedly, “Where are we, anyway?”

“North Berwick.”

“Where?” he asked blankly.

“North Berwick.”

“Berwick?!” he demanded, sitting bolt upright. “Dude, we’re meant to be in Edinburgh in a couple of hours. We’re in the wrong country!”

I laughed, “Calm down, Doug. We’re in North Berwick. The two aren’t connected to one another. We’re about three quarters of an hour from Edinburgh.”

“Well, that’s confusing…” he muttered, relaxing into me again. “I don’t want to get off the bus. Can we stay here? You can be my pillow again?”

I grinned in good humour, “Tempting offer. But, come on. You need to stretch your legs. We can go down to the beach…?”

He raised his eyebrow at me, “Fletch brought us to a beach?”

“You wanna go out now?”

He closed his eyes, “Nope.”

I took in his gorgeous face for a moment, ran my fingers down the soft skin of his cheek, “Dougie, if you don’t move, I will personally pick you up and carry you off this bus.”

His eyes opened again, and he gave me a cheeky grin to go with the glint that had appeared in his eye, “Go on, then.”

“As you wish.” Before he could react, I swung him into my arms, stood up and carried him easily down the bus to the door.

His laughter turned to cries of protest as his bare skin connected with the cold sea breeze on my hop down from the bus. “Tom! It’s freezing! Put me down!” I did as ordered, and he bolted for the bus again, “I need my coat!”

I grinned, following him back on board, “It’s bracing, Dougie. Refreshing.”

“It’s cold,” he corrected. “It’s cold and it tastes like salt.” He held out my coat, “Want yours?”

I glanced over my shoulder, “Please.”

~~~~~

The wind whistles through my flesh tunnels. The ones that you inspired me to get. Of course, mine aren’t as big as yours, but you always thought it was cute how small they were, so I was never inspired to take them any farther.

I’m in love with you, Dougie Poynter. Every seemed to see that- except you. That day, I watched you race down the beach to join Danny, and I walked along the dunes thoughtfully, much like I’m doing now.

From those dunes, I watched you. The way you moved, the way you laughed with Danny, your silly messing around- having being woken up by the sea air.

And now here I am again, thinking back on those times.

~~~~~

“Tom!” Dougie ran up to where I was standing on one of the sand dunes. “Help me climb the big rock…?” he asked playfully, throwing in the pout and the big eyes combination- that he knew I couldn’t say no- to just for good measure.

“I thought Danny-”

“Well, Danny’s already up there,” he said impatiently, his hands coming to rest on his hips. “And I need a boost ‘cause I’m not part squirrel. Harry doesn’t want to get sand on his jeans. Please…?” He gave me the combination again, “Please, Tom…?”

I sighed. I just couldn’t say no to him. If he asked me to go to Boston to get him a watermelon, I probably would. Not sure how I’d get it back, but I’d sure as hell try. “Fine.” He gave me a bright, happy smile and pulled me towards a large rock set in the sand. It was probably half submerged when the tide was in, but luckily it was right out.

“Okay, let’s see…” I muttered, trying to figure out the best way up to where Danny was perched. “I know: Climb up onto that ledge,” I told him, pointing it out. He did so.

“Now what?”

“I have to get up next to you.” I managed to lever myself up, but there was limited space, so I was effectively pressed into his back, I ran my hands down his sides slowly, trying to figure out the best way to give him a boost. My fingers lingered on his waist, hips, knees and feet. “Right. I think-”

“This isn’t going to work, Tom,” Dougie interrupted. “The lift’s too high. You won’t be able to boost me up enough. Let’s check around the other side.”

I frowned. What was he talking about? Of course I could boost him up there. “Erm, sure.” I stepped down, and offered him a hand so he didn’t slip. Then he pulled me round the rock. My eyes were scanning it for footholds when he suddenly forced me into it.

His hands pinned my arms to the hard close, surface, and there was a gleam in his eye that I’d never seen before. “Tom… Did you just feel me up?” he asked in a low voice.

“No. I was checking for boost angles,” I stammered honestly. I hadn’t even thought it might seem like that. “Sorry if you thought-”

He moved further into my body, his lips curving. “If you apologised every time you turned me on, the only word out your mouth would be sorry,” he promised. I stared at him in shock and he giggled, before his face moved towards mine slowly. Our lips were only millimetres off when-

“Hey, Doug, you coming up or what?” Danny called. I grabbed hold of Dougie’s wrist and pulled him back round the rock.

“Get up,” I commanded, pointing at the ledge. He frowned at me in confusion, but did so. I stayed down, cupping one of his feet in my hands and pushing upwards. He got up onto the rock. I moved back, “There you go. I’m gonna head back to the bus. Might see if the Sea Bird Centre’s open…”

And I walked off along the sand.

~~~~~

Even now I can remember where my feet had fallen. I ran my hand over the rock now. The same rock I had helped you climb, still exactly as it had been. The rock that had been the beginning and end of us.

I can still hear the purr in your voice as you trapped me here, and it echoes in my mind as fresh tears make steady tracks down my freezing cheeks as I stare at the spot.

I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re always on my mind, and I’m inclined to bet you always will be. You can’t cancel out true love.

~~~~~

I walked along the sand dunes again, my head spinning and my heart pounding to an erratic beat in my chest. What had Dougie been about to do? Kiss me? Was I delirious? Had I imagined the whole thing?

I hated to admit that that made sense, but surely it was the only way he would ever pin me against a rock and try to kiss me. It couldn’t have been reality.

“Tom!” I heard his voice behind me, and his footsteps on the grass of the dunes. “Tom! Wait!” I glanced back to see Dougie running up to me, a frantic look on his face.

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he babbled, breaking in front of me. “I should never have tried to do that. It was stupid. I knew you weren’t interested. It’s just-”

I stretched out a finger and put it to his lips. His eyes widened in shock at being silenced, and my own lips curled in amusement. I moved closer to him, shifting my hand to the side of his face as he looked at me questionably.

“I’m interested.” I touched my lips to his gently, pleased when he pushed into me, making the kiss more firm. His mouth moved against mine as his arms curled around my neck. He bit down on my lower lip, and slid his tongue through the gap I provided. It clashed with mine, and they caressed one another as we stood in the embrace I never wanted to end.

But it had to, and he pulled away with a smile on his face, “Tom… I had no idea…”

“That was the intention.” My mouth claimed his again, and this time it was rougher, more passionate. All the feelings I had suppressed for so long were finally being set free, and he was taking all I had to give.

~~~~~

I crouch down to run my hand over the smooth sand of the dune where we had shared that amazing first kiss. I was so happy then. You were mine, and I wasn’t letting you go.

For two years after that, we were one of the most famed celebrity couples, with most people finding it cute rather than disgusting and wrong. We appreciated the support we got, and our relationship was perfect.

Then we came back here.

~~~~~

I was stretched out along the main sofa in the tour bus, my eyes closed and my mind blank. We were on other tour. Back to the main arenas, but we were happy. I rolled onto my back, trying to get comfortable, and was distracted by a cooing from the door.

“Aw… Don’t we look cute…?” I opened my eyes to see Dougie standing there, grinning at me. I didn’t say anything, just closed my eyes again.

I sensed him moving closer, and I felt him climb on top of me, then he slotted himself into the space next to me, and rested his head on my chest. I smiled to myself and slid my arms around him. I liked that we could just lie together. That it wasn’t all sexual. This was a real relationship, and I loved that fact.

“Hey, Peter and Jordan, Fletch wants to talk to us,” Danny announced, breaking through the hazy bubble. When we opened our eyes he had vanished again.

“I don’t want to know who’s who in that pairing,” I muttered.

“Don’t particularly want to be either.” Dougie stood up slowly, stretching up. “Hey, when did the bus stop?”

I stood up as well. Right enough, the familiar rumble under our feet wasn’t there. “I’m not sure. Maybe we fell asleep…”

We headed through to the area next to the door, where Fletch, Richard and Darren were assembled. Danny and Harry were sat on another sofa. “Have a nice sleep?” Danny taunted.

“It was- until your foghorn voice woke us up,” I retorted, sinking into one of the chairs. Dougie gave me a questioning look, and smiled as I pulled him onto my lap.

“Where are we anyway?” he requested of the management. It was rare to see the three of them together, as they had other bands to manage, but we’d picked up Darren and Richard at the last gig, and they were all coming through to see the final show in Glasgow.

“You should recognise it, Dougie,” Darren told him.

“Yeah, well, I can’t be arsed looking out the window.”

Fletch laughed, “We’re in North Berwick, guys. This place did a good job in relaxing you last time we were here, so we thought we’d stop off again. You’re to be back here in an hour, and- if you need us- we’ll be having coffee in the Sea Bird Centre.”

They left the bus, and Danny and Harry followed them off. Dougie smiled at me, “Well, this conjures up memories.”

I kissed him gently, “It does. Wanna go explore?”

He made the same non-committal noise he had last time we were here, “I’m comfy.”

I smirked to myself, “Okay, then.” I stood up with him in my arms, and he realised what I was doing straight away.

“Oh, no! Don’t you dare! You can’t do this to me again! If you take me anywhere near that door I’ll-! Tom! It’s December! Have some bloody mercy!” he squawked, clawing at my arms to make me let go. He screamed loudly as I jumped down off the bus. “You evil, evil man!”

~~~~~

I walk around the large concrete square encasing the children’s paddling section. Of course, when the tide’s in, the wall will be underwater, but for now it’s clear and I can stand on it, looking down the beach.

It’s bizarre to think that you can have so many memories from somewhere you’ve only been twice before, but I can see them all so clearly, like they happened yesterday, rather than years ago.

Especially the most painful one.

~~~~~

“The rock, Tom!” he enthused, running across the sand towards it. “I have to climb it again!”

I looked out at the sea. The tide was going out, but it was closer than it had been last time. “Careful, Doug,” I called after him. “It might be slippy.”

As I stepped up onto the rock, I frowned. Where was he? “Dougie?” I asked. I had to raise my voice to be heard over the wind as I moved around the rock. “Dougie?”

As I went round the back of the rock, I found myself forced up against it. “This is how it should have gone,” Dougie told me, before his mouth came crushing down on mine.

I smiled into the kiss, pulling him further into me. He broke away with a satisfied smirk, “Come on.” He pulled me happily back round the rock, “We’re climbing up.”

I raised my eyebrow at him, “We? Since when am I going up there?”

“But you have to… It’s our birthing place…” he whined, whacking me lightly on the arm as I bit back a laugh. “Which means we have to sit up there and snog!”

“A lovely image,” I assured him. “But, I dunno, Doug. It looks a little wet. I don’t want you to get hurt…”

“I’ll be fine.” As if to prove his point, he hopped up onto the ledge without incident. “Come on. Boost me.”

“Doug…”

Sensing the anxiety in my voice, he came back down and stood in front of me. “Don’t worry, Tom… I’ll be okay…” He pulled me in for a soft, caring kiss, then he got back up again. I cupped his foot like I had last time and pushed him up. He giggled, looking out over the sea, “Nice view.”

I stood on the ledge, resting my arms on top of the rock. “This is as far as I’m coming.”

He pouted at me childishly, “Aw… You’re no fun…” He leaned over to kiss me on the lips, “But I love you despite that.”

My heart sang, and my lips curved, “I love you, too.”

His whole face brightened and he moved back. However, the movement was a little too jerky and he wobbled precariously. My eyes widened, “Doug?”

“I’m fine,” he assured me, as I brought up my leg to climb up to him. He nodded, but even that seemed to send him off balance. Without thinking, I propelled myself up onto the rock, grabbed for him.

But my fist closed around mid-air as he toppled back over the edge. “Dougie!” I screamed.

~~~~~

The irony of this rock being the place to bring about the best thing in my life, only to harm it two years later.

I hear a barking up the beach, and I turn, only to find a ball land a couple of feet away from me. A dog races up and seizes it, bouncing up to me happily before pelting back to it’s owner.

The time when I was that carefree is becoming a vague memory. With every passing day, I lose hope, and any chance of that hope returning to me.

If only I’d have stopped you from climbing that rock.

~~~~~

Time seemed to slow down as I lurched across the rock, hoping that- in some way- I might be in with a chance of catching him before he plummeted.  There was a dull roar in my ears, only intensifying with every second I watched the love of my life fall away from me.

I heard someone scream- long and anguished, like the sound was coming from the darkest depths of their pain and angst. I snapped round, my eyes searching the desolate beach. Only then, as I touched my fingers to my aching throat, did I realise where the cry had come from.

I vaguely heard my own name being called, and looked up to see Danny racing along the sand towards us, Harry in hot pursuit, sheer terror lining both of their faces.

I scrambled back off the rock, not pausing to think of the possible consequences of my actions. My bubble of numb shock had been burst, and in doing so had been replaced by this manic state of pure panicked hysteria.

“Dougie!” I shrieked again, sliding spectacularly off the smaller rock beneath and onto the wet sand with a thump, landing on my back. Not that this stopped me. I had to get to Dougie. I rolled over, and crawled to where he lay motionlessly. He was on the sand, which had cushioned the blow somewhat, but his head had definitely knocked off the rock on the way down. I had heard it, and there was a small trickle of deep red staining the sand.

I reached for him, but hesitated. I wanted to touch him, reassure him I was here, but I knew I shouldn’t. My inner debate was decided a few seconds later when Harry grabbed me from behind, pulling me back away from Dougie.

Still I fought him, dragging my almost non-existent nails down his face as I screamed for Dougie, tears streaming down my face. My head was a blur. I couldn’t process what was going on. I saw Danny on the phone, and I tried to get away from Harry again, trying to get to Dougie.

He was stronger than me, even in my current state, and he held me back, despite how much physical harm I caused him, how much I screamed. He just let me rant, tantrum, scream until I’d exhausted myself, and I fell into his arms, sobbing bitterly.

He sank down to his knees on the sand, cradling me. “We’ve called for an ambulance,” he told me sincerely. “We’ve called Fletch. It’s going to be okay.”

“But Dougie…”

“He’s a fighter, Tom. He won’t give up,” he promised. I shivered in the cold wind, my fear meaning any defence I had been holding against the cold had been dropped as my rage wore away. My throat was raw, and my chest ached.

I felt warmth engulf me from the other side as Danny joined us on the sand. I could feel the tears on his cheeks as he pressed his face into my neck. “He’ll be okay,” he whispered into my ear. I nodded, wishing I could believe that.

~~~~~

You were rushed to the hospital. You were given a team of doctors to work on you immediately, and they tried everything. But you slipped into a coma that night, and you haven’t woken up in two years.

In returning here, I’ve reminded myself why I need to fight for you. This place reminds me how much I love you, and- no matter what- I always will.

Every day I have been at your bedside, watching over you, caring for you. I have to be close to you. You were never replaced- not in the band, not in my heart. Danny and Harry stop by sometimes, so do your family, your friends.

But no one’s as hopeful as me.

I’ll continue to be at your bedside, every day, squeezing your hand, staring at your face, praying- day after day- that soon I’ll get some sort of reaction.