Taking Over Me

You don’t remember me

But I remember you

I lie awake and try so hard

Not to think of you

I heaved a sigh as I strode in through the front door of my flat and threw my briefcase onto the sofa. Another meeting which had proved fruitless. I was trying to sell my latest play, but there was no luck so far. I’d managed to sell a couple of them in the past, but I wasn’t very hopeful for this one.

I bent to pick up the mail that had dropped onto the mat during my absence, shuffling through it absently. Bills, junk, postcard from Mum. She was on her second honeymoon with Dad, returning to the location of their first after thirty years. I sighed as I looked at the last item. The television paper.

The man on the front smiled a hopeful smile up at me. His head was cocked to the side playfully, his blue eyes glinting under the soft blond fringe that covered his forehead. His face was delicate, his nose small, and his tan even. He’d been my best friend once.

Dougie Poynter and I had been inseparable all the way through primary school and into secondary. We’d been though everything together, even Dougie realising he was bisexual as I tried to get to grips with being gay. We were really close, until my father had been called back to the family home in Essex.

We’d all had to go. I hated saying goodbye to Dougie, and we did the contact thing for a while, but communications had dwindled as even the best ones do. And, as I’d been seeing him off for the last time, I’d known.

“You’ll come back for me, yeah?” he’d asked, cocking his head to the side hopefully.

I’d grinned at him to cover my own sadness. “Definitely…”

And he’d laughed, throwing his arm around me, “You’ll come back, and I’ll be waiting, then- one day- I will be acting in one of your plays!”

As I’d shaken my head, I’d moved a hand up to squeeze the one hanging off my shoulder, “You’ll be acting, and I’ll be in the audience cheering you on.”

A tongue had been stuck out at me playfully, “At least my delusion included both of us.” He’d turned to face me, “I wouldn’t act on stage until it was one of yours.”

“Then you never would,” I’d remarked, and he’d hit me on the arm in punishment for my lack of faith.

“I don’t care. I’d still wait.” Then he’d hugged me, holding me close into his body. When we’d moved back, there had been tears in his eyes.

“Ah… Don’t cry…” I had complained, reaching forward to stop the one that had escaped to roll down his cheek with my thumb. “You’ll set me off…”

Then he had stared at me through those glassy eyes, and my thumb had lingered on his cheek. Slowly, I had shifted so that my whole hand was cupping the side of his face, and he had leant into my touch blissfully. Then I had moved in due to some unseen force.

His breath had tainted my lips as I drew close, his breathing becoming heavier. His hands had slid up my arms and around my shoulders. My eyes had flickered closed as I had taken the final step, ready to feel his lips against mine. They had brushed. Once. Twice.

“Harry?!” My mum’s voice shouting up the stairs had snapped us back to reality. My eyes had opened, stared into Dougie’s own shocked ones. “Harry, we need to get going!”

Oh, my God. I’d been about to kiss Dougie. Dougie! My best friend! I’d never thought of him like that. Never even considered it, now- here we had been- almost kissing in his bedroom! It must have been the emotions of me leaving.

“Coming!” I’d called out of the door. I’d turned back to Dougie, “I have to go.”

“Harry…” he’d whispered. His arms had still been around my shoulders, and I’d moved back before he could try to kiss me again.

“Dougie,” I had told him, hating the hurt look on his face. “Don’t make this harder than it already is…” And I’d wanted to kiss him. There was nothing I’d wanted to do more. But I’d known that it would be torturous to move away after that.

He’d understood, and had nodded. “You’ll come back to London.”

And I’d nodded also. “I promise.” And I’d hugged him close again. “Don’t get famous without me,” I’d told him before leaving.

But he had. I’d seen his first television show when it was aired, and the talent I’d always known was there had been evident. And- from then on- I only ever saw the man I still loved on the television or the big screen.

I’d left London at sixteen. When I was nineteen, Dougie’s TV breakthrough occurred. I was twenty when I had returned to London, as promised. Only there had been no way to get in touch with Dougie. I had tried for years- with letters, phone-calls and contacting his agency. Then I had given up.

Now, at twenty six, I was trying to get me next play sold. All I saw of Dougie was in the media, and still I dreamt about him. Still I wanted him back. Ten years had passed, and yet nothing had changed.

But who can decide what they dream

And dream I do

“Right, I’ve had an idea,” Tom told me as I shoved books onto shelves. He was sitting behind the counter in his own little shop, watching us work as he so enjoyed doing.

“Oh?” I asked. “Wasn’t aware you had the mental capacity.” Danny grinned at me from another shelf, his own stack of books in his arms.

Tom bristled, “Remember who pays you.”

But Danny rolled his eyes, not phased by the threat. “Just wait until you’ve had your big break, Harry. Then he’ll be begging you for work.” As he slid a book into place, he adopted a cockney accent: “‘For a wage, sir. A little wage.’”

I laughed as Tom looked insulted, not that he really minded all that much. Danny and Tom had been best friends since school. They lived in the flat next to mine, and Tom and I had gotten to know each other one day when I’d managed to lock myself out. The fact that I was looking for work had come up, and he had offered me a job in his shop, and I had met Danny here.

“Anyway,” Tom stressed. “I was thinking that we might want to have a weekend away. Y’know, a staff holiday.”

I turned my head to look at Tom again, “You say that like you have more than two employees in a budget bookshop.”

“You don’t watch it, it might be one,” Tom threatened, but we all knew he didn’t mean it.

Danny rubbed his hands together eagerly as he walked to the desk to collect more books from the open box on top of it, “Ooh… Would that mean my wage would go up?”

“Was it higher when I wasn’t here?” I asked.

“No.”

I shrugged, turning back to my shelf, “Then probably not. He’s too tight.”

“You two have no respect for authority!” Tom protested.

I heard Danny chuckle, felt him come to stand behind me when I was tidying a shelf to make room for a book. He reached past me to slide a book into the space I’d just created. He was close. I could feel the warmth off him, and I could smell his cologne. “Why don’t we wait until he gives us something to respect?” he murmured into my ear.

I turned my head, grinned at him cheekily, “That’s never gonna happen, Dan.” I held a book up in front of his face, “Put that under L for me, would you?”

He sighed, though I wasn’t sure why, and moved off to do as I’d asked. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Tom roll his eyes, before looking back down at his log book. Was I missing something here?

“So where was this holiday meant to go to?” Danny asked gruffly, wiping the doubts from my mind. Too paranoid, Harry. Too paranoid…

“Oh, still London,” he admitted, looking up again. “I thought we’d go somewhere more central. Posh hotel… Live it up from Friday through Monday…”

“Pricey…” I acknowledged.

He smiled, “Not so tight… But don’t expect it to be a regular occurrence.”

“And he wrecked it,” I intoned. Danny grinned once more. “So, which hotel did you have in mind?”

Tom shrugged nonchalantly, “Oh, the Dorchester.”

Danny repeated the name in awe whilst I just stared at our boss. “You’re kidding!” he enthused. “That’s where rich people and celebrities go!”

“Which are often one and the same,” I clarified.

Tom looked pleased at our reactions. “I thought we’d go crazy for a few days. Enjoy ourselves. We’re a small shop in Shoreditch. We can afford to close while we do it.”

“Fantastic!” Danny gushed, holding up a hand for a high five. I glanced down at the books in my arms apologetically, and he just gave me an incredulous look before pulling me into a tight hug. “It’ll be great,” he breathed.

I nodded, my chin bouncing off his shoulder, “I could do with a break from writing.”

“Of course,” he told me as he pulled back. He smiled, but for some reason it didn’t reach his eyes. As he stepped back, turning to his shelf again, I looked to Tom, who was watching us with a curious look on his face. He wiped it clear now, smiled at me.

“So when is this trip?” I asked.

Tom considered as I slid a book into place, “When are you free?”

“I work for you and you are my social life,” I deadpanned. “I’m free when you say I’m free.”

Danny looked at me curiously, “No arranged meetings about your play?”

I shook my head slightly, “No-one’s biting.”

“Just wait,” Tom told me. “It’ll happen.” He looked at Danny, “What about you? What’s your availability?”

“I’m free whenever.”

I looked over as I finished my pile of books, “What? No hot date?”

He looked up at me, shook his head, “Not right now.”

I smiled, “But you’re hopeful.”

“He’s that if nothing else…” Tom remarked. He pretended to look stern, narrowing his eyes behind the thick frames of his glasses and putting his hands on his hips, “Now, am I paying you to stand around?”

I waited a beat. “Would you?”

I believe in you

I’ll give up everything just to find you

I have to be with you

To live

To breathe

You’re taking over me

There were photographers assembled outside the hotel. Of course, they ignored us as we walked in, except for one of them asking us if we had a light. It was just something I’d never seen with my own eyes before. “Bloody hell,” Danny muttered to me.

I grinned, “Bit scary, isn’t it?”

“Bit?” he asked incredulously. “I’m just glad I’m not famous.”

“There’s no worry of that ever happening,” Tom told him, then steered us towards the check-in desk. “Come on.”

Once we’d checked in and put our stuff into our separate rooms- a thought that seemed to disappoint Danny for a moment, we agreed to meet in the foyer at two in order to look around the hotel. Neither of them were there yet when I arrived.

I walked across the large, extravagant foyer and sat down on one of the plush sofas off to the side to wait, smiling at the girl who was already sitting there. She blushed as she returned the smile. The sofas looked out over the foyer, and I admired the glorious interior of what had to be the most upscale building I had ever set foot inside.

Then there was chaos outside. Bright flashes, photographers yelling, and a large group of people burst through the door. The few whose faces I could see were looking either annoyed or amused. “You’d go blind within a week,” I muttered.

The girl laughed softly, “It’s part of the job description.” I looked at her properly, and recognised her. She was in one of the American medical dramas. Not a bad actress, from what I’d seen, and very pretty. Somehow prettier in person.

“I guess.” Then I grinned as I saw Danny battling his way through the massive group. Trust him to choose the most difficult route…

“Harry!” he called, causing several people to look at him, and then follow his gaze to me. I rolled my eyes as he managed to manoeuvre his way out and loped towards me.

“Always have to make a scene, don’t you?”

“If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be me.” I stood as he reached me, and he pulled me into a tight hug, then released me. “Ready to go?”

“What about Tom?” I asked with a frown.

He waved a dismissive hand, “Oh, he said he was feeling a bit grotty. He’s gonna stay in his room and sleep.” He offered me a sunny smile “Guess it’s just us.”

I frowned. Odd. It had been Tom’s idea to have a wander round the hotel, and he’d seemed fine earlier. I shrugged and gave the actress one last smile from turning back to Danny, “Okay. Let’s go.”

And so we walked around the hotel, taking in the bar, the pool and the gym. We also went to seek out the spa. Not that any of us had any particular urge to go to a spa, but it was a novelty for us commoners. The only problem was that it was at the end of a corridor of private rooms.

“What d’you think they would do if we started making a racket out here?” Danny mused as we walked along.

“I don’t want to find out.”

His grin was mischievous, “Oh? So if I just-”

I clamped a hand over his mouth before he could do anything. “If you get us kicked out of this hotel, Tom will kill you,” I hissed in his ear, moving behind him.

I felt him laughing. His back shook against my chest. He pressed his mouth even further into my hand- kissing, biting and licking my palm in an attempt to gross me out enough to let go. “Behave,” I ordered him.

Then he did something that I never could have anticipated. He sat down. The simple movement was turned into a calamity as I was dragged down with him, falling to my knees. With the shock of the landing, my grip on his mouth slackened.

He took his chance, wrenching my hand off with a loud laugh, turning and jumping on me. I found myself pinned down in the hotel corridor, my knees still bent under me, and Danny straddling my upper legs.

“Let me up, Danny,” I told him calmly.

He shook his head, “Don’t think I will.”

I rolled my eyes, “And licking my hand? What are you? Six?” I reached up to wipe my hand on the shoulder of his t-shirt, “Creep.”

He laughed, “You know you love me, really.”

“Yes. Like a guardian loves their endearingly crazy child,” I told him. “Come on, let me up before someone comes out and-” I groaned as I heard a door open beside us. “-sees us.”

Danny smiled sheepishly, “Sorry.”

I turned my head to see a large man frowning down at us. One of the party who had come in whilst I had been waiting in the foyer. “I want to apologise for him,” I said casually, like I wasn’t trapped under a man in a corridor. “He has a slight manic tendency that no medication can control.”

“Hey!”

I turned back to face him, ignoring his look of insult, “Danny. Off.”

“Harry…” he whined.

“Off!”

But he just cocked his head to the side, staring at my face. “You have an eyelash,” he murmured.

“Don’t care. Get off.”

He chuckled, and picked it off carefully. I rolled my eyes. Then I cocked my head as well, but I was listening rather than looking. I sat up quickly, my head banging off Danny’s. He’d been a lot closer than I’d thought. “I love this song!”

Danny rolled off me now, rubbing his forehead with a disgruntled look on his face. “Why?”

I stood up, my legs tingling slightly from being bent so awkwardly. “We used to listen to it all the time.”

“We?” he asked cautiously.

But I shook my head, “It doesn’t matter. C’mon, you.” I grabbed Danny’s arm, tugging him down the corridor. “Sorry, again,” I called back to the open door, where two people were now standing.

Have you forgotten all I know?

And all we had?

You saw me mourning my love for you

And touched my hand

I knew you loved me then

“Hey, what happened to you earlier?” I asked Tom as I met him outside his room so we could go down to the bar for a drink before going out to find somewhere to eat.

“I wanted to unpack,” he said.

I wrinkled my nose, “Danny said you were feeling off.”

He winced, closing his eyes as he realised that their excuses didn’t gel. “Fine… Danny wanted to be alone with you.”

“Why?” I asked with a frown.

Tom studied me for a moment, then shook his head, “I don’t know. Danny does what Danny does.”

“Well, I could’ve used you when he had me pinned down in the corridor,” I remarked.

His eyebrows winged up, “Pinned down?”

“Yeah. Next to a celebrity room, no less.” I sighed, “He wouldn’t get off! Insisted on removing an eyelash from my face…”

“Harry?” Tom asked as we reached the foyer.

“Yeah?”

“Has it ever occurred to you…?” He trailed off, looking suitably awkward. A light blush stained his cheeks.

I felt a frown come onto my face, “What?”

“Hi!” Danny greeted cheerfully, bouncing up beside us. Tom shook his head at me, making a dismissive gesture. Whatever it was, he didn’t want to say it in front of Danny.

“Ready to hit the bar?” he asked instead. They started to walk off, but I hung back, frowning at both of them. What was going on? After a moment, Tom realised I hadn’t moved, and looked back. “Harry?”

I shook my head to clear it. “Coming.”

I caught up with them and we headed into the bar. “Posh,” Tom noted. Of course. He hadn’t seen it, yet.

“Mm. This is where the rich and famous come…” Danny purred.

“And get inebriated in style,” I finished. Tom flashed me a grin.

“Might as well do it right.”

We took seats at the bar while we waited to be served. “Seen any celebrities, yet?” I asked.

Tom shook his head, “Nope.”

“Well, there was that crowd I pushed through earlier,” Danny said. “But I didn’t stop to see who it was.”

“Yeah. I saw them coming in,” I added. “Massive group. It has to be someone big.”

Danny nodded, “Massive bouncer guys.”

I sent him a wry look down the bar, “Did you notice that when you were shoving your way through the middle of them, or when one of them was frowning down at us when we were on the floor?”

He offered me a stunning smile, “Bit of both.”

“Right. What can I get you?” the barman asked, finally reaching us.

Tom held up three fingers, “Three pints, please.”

“Coming right up.”

“Don’t you feel common?” I remarked. They both turned to look at me. Even the barman glanced up from filling the first glass.

“Well, we pay a shed load to come to a posh hotel- with a pool, a gym and a bloody spa,” I detailed, deliberately stressing the last word in order to make them grin. “Then we order a drink we can buy in any pub on Shoreditch High Street.”

Tom grinned, “You can take the men out of the pub, but you can’t take the pub out of the men.”

“It’s refreshing,” the barman admitted, setting one pint down and starting on the second one. He had a gruff, south London based accent. “Everyone just wants cocktails and tiny glasses with olives.”

I felt my lips curve, “Sophistication… I love that pulling pints is a change for you.”

“Oh, Harry,” Tom said. I turned to look at him, “Guess who I found out is staying at the hotel?”

I picked up one of the pints and sipped as Tom paid the barman. “Are you actually going to make me guess?”

“You wouldn’t, would you?” he teased. “But my sources tell me that Dougie Poynter has checked in.”

My voice was flat, “Has he?”

The barman nodded, “He was in here earlier.” Then he walked up the bar to serve someone else.

Tom leaned towards me, “Harry, this is your chance. After ten years, you could see him again.”

“And I’d want to?” I asked stiffly.

“Don’t be an arse. You’ve been trying to get in touch for years.”

“And I couldn’t,” I reminded him. “Shouldn’t that tell me something?”

There was a scraping noise, and we turned to see Danny push back from the bar, jumping off his stool and striding out of the room. I exchanged a look with Tom, before pushing back myself and heading after him.

I believe in you

I’ll give up everything just to find you

I have to be with you

To live

To breathe

You’re taking over me

I ran across the foyer after him. He was heading for the main doors, but I grabbed hold of his wrist. “Danny? What’s wrong?”

“Go away, Harry,” he said thickly, trying to shake me off, but I held tight.

“No! What’s wrong?” I insisted.

He spun to face me now. His eyes were red with tears, and anger creased the space between his dark eyebrows. “Dougie Poynter,” he spat.

I was lost already. “What about him?”

“Everything! It’s always about Dougie Poynter!”

I could only stare at him in shock. “I haven’t mentioned him in years…”

“And I can’t work out what’s worse,” he snapped, finally managing to wrench his arm free. “You’re either obsessed with finding him, or you act like he never existed. Either way, it’s not healthy and it’s not giving you closure!”

I look a step back, lowering my voice as it shook, “Maybe I don’t want closure.”

“And you don’t want anyone that’s not him,” he said levelly, the calm tone an obvious contrast to his rage before.

“What?”

He studied me, shaking his head, “Can you really not see it…?” He moved closer, “In the six years I’ve known you, you’ve not had one boyfriend. No dates, no one night stands.”

I narrowed my eyes, “So it’s a bad thing that I’m not easy?”

“You’re celibate, is what you are,” he said softly.

“And that means I wasn’t looking?”

“If you’d been looking, you would have seen what was right in front of you!” he shouted. People were staring to stare now, but neither of us cared.

“What are you talking about?!” I demanded.

His lower lip quivered, but he stilled it by taking a deep breath. “I used to think you were teasing me, but you’re honestly just oblivious, aren’t you?”

He was starting to seriously annoy me now. “Oblivious to what?!”

Then he was kissing me. His hands cupped my face and he covered my lips with his own. It all suddenly fell into place. The closeness, the looks. How had I not realised? It was so obvious… He moved his lips over mine slowly, savouring the moment before pulling back.

“I’m in love with you, Harry,” he said, staring into my eyes. “I’ve been in love with you for years. I liked you from the second I saw you. But I know that I can never compare to him. No-one will ever compare to Dougie Poynter.”

“Danny…” I whispered, but he backed off.

“Just leave me alone. I know I’m deluded.”

Then he was running towards the door. I started after him, but Tom stepped in front of me. “Harry, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“He’s upset! I need to go after him!”

“To say what?” Tom asked evenly. “‘I’m sorry you love me, but I still don’t want you’?”

“I’m sorry!” I exploded. “Sorry that my obsession is such a burden!”

He sighed, looking tired, “You’re not a burden. And it’s not your fault!”

I gave a laugh of contempt, “Not my fault? It’s not my fault that one of my best friends fell for me and I didn’t realise because I was so obsessed with finding my old best friend who I haven’t spoken to for so long, I’m starting to wonder whether I made it all up?!”

“Danny knew what he was getting into!” he said sternly. “I told him. I warned him not to let himself fall because you might never return the feelings. And he still let himself fall!”

“I shouldn’t be so cold!” I shouted.

He looked taken aback, “Harry, you’re not cold.”

I turned away, dragging my hands through my hair as I stared at the carpet. I was crying now as well. I hadn’t realised, but my eyes ached and my cheeks were wet. “I didn’t see, Tom.”

“Why would you if you weren’t looking?”

I spun back now, “But I should’ve been! What kind of friend am I, that I didn’t see that he was upset?”

“Because he wasn’t,” Tom claimed. “Being near to you, having you notice him. That was enough.”

The doors were still open, and I looked towards them now. “I should talk to him.”

He shook his head, “No. Let him think. He needs to process it. He needs to let it sink in that he told you. No offence, but you’re probably the last person he wants to see right now…”

I nodded woodenly. He was right. I knew he was right. “Okay.”

“You coming back to the bar?”

“No.” I shook my head, “I need to think, too. I’ll see you in the morning. Sorry for wrecking your night.”

He shrugged, “I’ll cope.”

I nodded mutely, and turned to leave, ignoring all of the people who were still staring at us. The Dorchester had provided a free show tonight… I knocked into one guy in my disorientated state, and mumbled an apology before continuing. Then a familiar voice made me stop cold.

“Harry?”

I look in the mirror and see your face

If I look deep enough

So many things inside

That- just like you- are taking over

I couldn’t move. I was honestly frozen to the spot. I didn’t want to turn my head. If it was him, I wasn’t sure I could take it, but if it wasn’t, I would surely be disappointed all over again. My heart was pounding in my chest, and my head felt numb.

The voice spoke again, “Harry Judd?”

It was him. It had to be him. I knew the voice even now. I had seen his shows, so I knew it from there. But he sounded like Dougie. My Dougie. And I wasn’t sure that he existed anymore.

Deciding to risk it, I turned around slowly. The first thing I saw were Tom’s wide, shocked eyes. Then my gaze flicked across and latched onto a pair of familiar icy-blue eyes.

He’d barely changed. I’d known that. His hair was longer, and he’d groan by a few inches, though he was still short. And he was still Dougie. In a way, I wish he had changed. That would make this so much easier.

He stared at me with those eyes for a long moment, before taking one step forward and hugging me tightly, “Harry!”

It must have been like hugging a brick wall. I was so tense, my arms stiff at my sides as he embraced me. But he buried his face in my shoulder nonetheless.

“Harry! I can’t believe it…!” he breathed. He pulled back, smiling at me brightly. “How long have you been back in London?”

Here it came. The moment of truth. “Six years.”

The smile faded into doubt, and his lips turned down in a frown. “Six years…?” He looked unsure, and his gaze flicked away and back to me, “Why didn’t you get in touch?”

The thought was almost laughable. Like I hadn’t spent four years doing exactly that. Behind him, Tom frowned. He knew all that I had done, but Dougie didn’t. And suddenly I didn’t have the strength to argue. I was mentally drained. I couldn’t handle this right now.

“I don’t know,” I whispered instead.

I tried to block out the look in his eyes as I turned and walked away. After a few steps, someone caught my arm, but it was Tom, with his book calloused fingers. “Harry?”

I sighed, stopping in my step, “What is it, Tom?”

“What are you doing?” he asked softly, obviously seeing the fatigue on my face.

“I don’t know,” I muttered, turning to see the concern in his eyes. “I don’t know anything. I can’t think. I can’t…” I closed my eyes, lest another tear fell. “…do this right now. He chose a bad time to make a reappearance.”

He nodded, “Okay. Go to bed. You can talk to him tomorrow.”

But I shook my head, my voice hollow, “He won’t want to talk to me tomorrow.”

And I walked up the stairs to my room, not even thinking to use the lift. It was too much, too fast.

I had been having trouble getting my head around Danny’s revelations. Firstly, that he loved me. I hadn’t realised there was anything more than playful friendship, but- now I thought back- it had been obvious from the start, I had just been too caught up in Dougie to see it.

And that was another thing that my confrontation with Danny had made me realise: How badly I had dealt with the whole thing. It was like Danny had said, I was either obsessed with finding him or feigning indifference to his existence, and neither choice showed me in a positive light.

And then he’d had to show up. I’d pictured our reunion to be better. I hadn’t expected myself to be so shaken at that moment. He’d arrived as my composure had been broken. He’d arrived when I had been unable to fight for him.

As I reached the floor that my room was on, I moved towards the door and fumbled for my hotel key. I slid it into the lock, and opened the door, moving over the threshold gradually.

My limbs felt really sluggish as I walked into the room, shutting the door behind him. I wandered over to the bed, crawling onto it, not even bothering to undress or get under the covers.

Did I really want to fight for Dougie? I mean, it had been ten years since I’d seen him. Chances are, he’d totally changed. People like Dougie had no need for friendships with people like me. He was above me now, above a failing playwright in a budget bookshop.

But… The look on his face when he’d turned around. He didn’t appear to care about what I was. Would he have thrown himself at me like that he didn’t want me back in his life?

But was I the same Harry that had left him? Maybe it wasn’t him that had changed, but me. True, I was more guarded now, but I couldn’t see too many changes. Maybe he would see differences in me that I couldn’t.

Would Dougie let me back in now?

I curled up on the bed and fell into an uneasy sleep.

I believe in you

I’ll give up everything just to find you

I have to be with you

To live

To breathe

You’re taking over me

I was awake too early.

And I couldn’t go back to sleep, no matter how I lay or what I tried to think about. My head was just filled with him, filled with horror at what I had done last night.

I had brushed him off. After all these years, I had walked away from him. I would probably never see him again.

At five twenty-seven, I gave up the fight for sleep.

I rose- washed and dressed, and crossed to the door with the intention of going for a walk. Anything to get out of the hotel for a while. At this time, the streets might be clear enough that I could just wander and think.

But as I pulled the door open, there was someone already out in the corridor. He was sitting with his back up against the wall opposite my door, one leg stretched out in front of him while the other rested with one knee in the air. His chin was on his knee, leaning onto it as his eyes pierced into me.

I had no idea how long he’d been in the corridor.

We stared at each other mutely for a moment. My gaze shocked at finding him there, his curiously wary as he wondered whether I would reject him again. Finally, I opened the door wider, stepping back in invitation. Dougie got to his feet and entered past me.

“Your friend told me your room number,” he said once I’d closed the door again. I nodded silently, having no idea what to say. I couldn’t look at him. I just couldn’t bring myself to. I heard him sigh, “This isn’t how I pictured it would be.”

“Me neither,” I mumbled, still staring at the floor.

“Your friend said you were upset last night,” he tried. “And I heard that brunette tell you that he loved you. He said you were too shaken over that to think straight.”

I looked up at him now; saw the uncertainty in his eyes. “Maybe I don’t know what to think where you’re concerned anymore.”

His lower lip trembled, “What d’you mean? Was there a reason that you didn’t try to get in touch?”

“Didn’t try?” I asked softly. “Dougie, I spent four years trying.”

His eyes widened significantly. This was news to him. “But…”

“All of the contact details you gave me?” I asked. “Useless. But I thought that was reasonable. You move house, get a new phone, new email.”

He nodded, “I had to, but if you’d contacted my agency-”

I laughed before I could help myself, and he looked even more shocked. “Your agency? Don’t get me started on your agency. I wrote to them, emailed them, called them. I even went to their offices in person.”

“They should have told you!” he insisted. “I said to-”

“All they told me was that Dougie Poynter didn’t have time to see every single person who claims that they knew him in school, and I should accept that you’ve moved onto pastures new,” I spat. “I was then asked to leave the building before they had me removed.”

He shook his head furiously, “But I gave them your name. They said they would-”

“They lied.”

Anger flashed in his eyes now. “What about my family?”

“Your mum disowned you, your dad’s being monitored by her, and your brother lost track,” I listed effortlessly. “He says hi from Canada, by the way.”

He made a noise of frustration, “I didn’t know!”

“I know,” I said reasonably. “And why would you? Big stars don’t associate with the little people…”

“Don’t patronise me!” he snapped. “What the hell has happened to you, that you can stand there and condemn me for living my life?! Do you resent me for doing that?!”

“I don’t resent you for achieving everything you wanted,” I retorted. “I resent you for leaving me behind!”

The words were out of my mouth before I’d realised I’d said them, before I’d realised I felt them. He stared at me, tears in his eyes, “What?”

“I resent that you appear to forget me, while I’ve done nothing but think about you, and dream about you.” I turned away, pulling at my hair, “I didn’t even realise Danny was in love with me for six years- because for four years I was obsessed with finding you, and for two years I’ve been trying to convince myself I never would.”

He made a scoffing noise that made me turn back. There was an incredulous look on his face. “Forget you?” he demanded. “How could I ever forget you? I was fixated on you, and you left. You were about to give me everything I’d always wanted, and you pulled back. I’ve never thought about anyone but you!”

“It’s too late to tell me that now.”

It was a low hiss that he emitted now from between his teeth. “Why?”

“Because it doesn’t fix anything.”

He scowled at me, before closing the space between us and crushing his mouth to mine. His hands fisted in my hair as he kissed me, passionately and desperately. I found myself responding, opening my mouth to let his tongue delve deeper. His scent filled my nostrils, invading my senses. I was getting lost in him, and it was too much. My hands found his chest and I pushed him back suddenly with strength I didn’t even know I possessed.

He stumbled, knocking into the side of the sofa, “Harry!”

But I shook my head. “Don’t, Dougie. Don’t kiss me. I know it means nothing.” I exhaled, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall, “You can’t be dragged down by a nobody, Dougie. Your agency would never allow it.”

“So, what?” he demanded. “Are you going to go back to your friends? Tell Danny you love him, too, and have a crappy relationship?” The words dripped from his lips like venom. “Because it would be. You would be faking!”

“I wouldn’t fake feelings,” I told him. “But there’s nothing wrong with how my life was. I was finally getting to grips with not having you around, but something was missing.”

“You mean apart from me?” he asked coldly.

I narrowed my eyes at him, “I was missing closure. But I think I just got that.” And I left him standing in my hotel suite.

I believe in you

I’ll give up everything just to find you

I have to be with you

To live

To breathe

You’re taking over me

“Morning,” I greeted, striding into the shop.

Tom grinned at me, patted a box on the desk, “Your favourite…”

“Mm… New arrivals…” I purred, moving to the desk, pulling off my jacket as I went. “Anything interesting?”

He shrugged, though there was a glint in his eye, “Just some plays by this guy Judd.”

I rolled my eyes, “He’s not interesting! How he just managed to sell his third play, I’ll never know.”

“You just sold your play?!” he demanded, eyes wide with excitement. He strode around the desk, hugged me tightly. “Oh, well done! You stuck it out and it happened!”

I grinned, “Thank you.” I threw my jacket onto the chair behind the desk, and turned to open the box. “I heard yesterday.”

“I say this calls for a celebration.”

I paused in my opening of the box, cocked my head to the side, “And what did you have in mind?”

“Well,” he drawled, leaning on the back of his chair. I smirked at him. “I have a meeting, so what say you that I stop by Starbucks on the way back for coffee and muffins?”

“Ooh… You know how to treat a guy…” I teased. Then I held out my hand towards him, “Deal.” He shook it, moving back as I looked down at the box again. “When’s the meeting?”

He sighed, “I need to leave now. I just had to see you in. I hate these things…”

I gave him a sympathetic look, “But they appear to be necessary.”

He grunted, “If you insist. I’ll see you later.” He pulled on his coat and left the shop. I grinned as I pulled the first stack of books out of the box.

I sensed someone wander out from the backroom as I slid one book into place, and- as I crossed to put another one in place- Dougie joined me, helping to put away the new arrivals.

“Having trouble getting other paid work?”

He didn’t look at me. “I’m a method actor. I’m playing a guy in a bookshop.”

“I see.”

He held up a book, which I recognised as a printed copy of one of my plays, “I hear that congratulations are in order.”

“Thanks.”

“It’ll be interesting to see whether it beats Audio Sunlight,” he continued casually. I stopped what I was doing, turned to stare at him. “Now, that was a good play.”

“You know…?”

He shrugged, “I’ve seen both of them. I own the printed copies. Of course, I thought you were being published from Essex… Good plays.” He paused, appeared to consider, “For different reasons: On My Father’s Head was obviously very funny, but Audio Sunlight was just…so deliciously dark.” He gave a little shudder.

I rolled my eyes, “You always were into that sort of thing.”

“And I still am.” He gave me a stunning smile. “But what I love about your stuff is that you don’t limit yourself. You’re not stuck in one genre, with one subject matter. You write whatever you feel like writing.”

I was incredulous, “And you know this from reading two of my plays?”

He shook his head, “No. I know because I know you.”

“Is that true after ten years?”

“You just have to look at how easily we can talk to each other,” he pointed out.

As I put the last book in my pile into place, I turned to look at him, “Why are you here, Dougie?”

“I’ve never acted on stage.”

“I know.”

“I’ve been waiting for one of yours. One of yours where I knew you were there.” He set down his barely touched pile and crossed to me, “Harry, I’ve been waiting for you.”

But I gave him an even stare. “It was a two way street, Doug. You could have contacted me. You know the family address.”

“I know. But I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

He bit his lip, “Scared you’d realised you didn’t need me anymore. I’d rather have hope.”

“But, Doug…”

He held up a hand, “You might be able to live without me, Harry. But when you walked away three months ago, I knew I couldn’t.”

He kissed me slowly, giving me every choice to push him away again. His hands slid up my chest to grip my shoulders, and he gave a little hum of contentment as I pulled him closer, winding my arms around his waist. I shifted my head so that my lips fit his more fully.

“I need you with me,” he murmured. “When I act in one of your plays, I need you there. Bloody hell, Harry. I want you to be there!”

I stared into his eyes, before claiming his mouth in a bruising kiss. This one went deeper, with our tongues battling for dominance. He pressed himself against me, and I lost myself in him. Breathing in his scent, feeling him there. I cupped his face, feeling his smooth skin under my fingers.

I forced him back into a bookshelf in the heat of the moment, and both of us froze as it wobbled precariously, waiting for the downpour. Dougie began to giggle, and I found myself laughing as well. He kissed my lips again softly.

And one of the shelves fell down.

Taking over me

You’re taking over me

Taking over me

I strode into my flat, throwing my suitcase onto the sofa. I had just sold another one of my plays. I couldn’t believe it. It was all happening… And I had just had lunch with Danny and his new boyfriend. I was so glad that he had decided to move on and find someone else. It was good for him. And I was glad that we could be friends again.

For about five months after the hotel incident, he had purposefully avoided me, taking different shifts in the shop and never coming out with me and Tom. Then one day he had just shown up on the doorstep and we had talked it out. I didn’t like him in the same way he liked me, but I still wanted him as a friend. And now we appeared to be able to do that again. I took off my coat and tossed it aside, only for it to hit the glass award sitting on the coffee table.

I swore loudly and ran forward to catch it before it fell, steadying it under my trembling fingers. Dougie would have killed me if I’d managed to smash his BAFTA. That was a sure fire way to make your boyfriend hate you… Thank God he appeared to be out.

“Harry?”

Bollocks. Still, at least he didn’t see me. I cleared my throat, “Yeah?”

“Everything okay?” he called. “I heard you swear.”

“Yeah. Just…stubbed my finger.” Okay, that had to be the lamest excuse ever.

“Aw… Come here and I’ll kiss it better.”

I frowned. I wasn’t entirely sure where his voice was coming from. I straightened, tossing my coat to safety. “Where are you?

“In the bedroom.”

I wandered through to the bedroom. He was sitting on the bed, open newspapers all around him. His eyes were bright as he looked up at me, and I understood. “Good reviews?”

“Very.” He put a finger on one paper, read aloud, “‘It appears that Harry Judd wrote the part with his lover Dougie Poynter in mind, as Poynter makes a stunning stage debut in his new play. With all the publicity surrounding the promise Poynter made not to act on stage until it was one of Judd’s, it was wondered whether the final play would be a disappointment. Quite the contrary, with a witty script and a fabulous cast.’”

Sitting on the bed, I grinned at him, “Well done.”

He rolled his eyes, “It’s not just my achievement. Listen to this one:” He picked up another paper, “‘As the first time directing one of his plays, Harry Judd gives it a feel that no other direction could accomplish, his passion shining through. Dougie Poynter gives a stellar performance as the lead, but his inspiration clearly came from his director boyfriend.’”

“Notice how they all mention our relationship,” I muttered.

He grinned at me, “It’s big news, sweetie.”

“Is it too much to expect them to calm down after nine months?”

A giggle left his lips, “Yup.”

I sighed, picked up another paper, “‘Come Back For Glory is a play about going after what you want, a concept that lead man Dougie Poynter portrays with ease and confidence. Of course, he has experience in this area after it was revealed he had to pursue his lover, director and writer Harry Judd, before they got together. As their first play together, it holds power and punch. A definite must-see.’”

“Give up?” he asked smugly. “They’re obsessed with us.”

“Why…?”

He giggled again, picking up my hand and pressing a kiss to my palm, “Because it’s romantic. Separated for ten years, then finding each other again… And then…being unable to fight it.”

I raised a single eyebrow at him, “You wanna be the playwright?”

“I’m good where I am.” He studied my hand, “Which finger was it?”

“What?”

Dougie moved his eyes to mine, “Which finger did you stub?”

“Oh! Erm… Right index.”

He didn’t buy it, I could tell, but he kissed it nonetheless. Then he moved up and kissed my mouth softly. “Nothing but good reviews. I knew you could do it.”

“And I thought you were just delusional.”

He laughed as I kissed his nose fondly. “I am. I was just right in this instance.”

“I love you, Dougie.”

His eyes widened, and they filled with tears. I had never felt ready to say it before this moment. He had never questioned it, but now he looked overwhelmed. “Harry… I love you, too.”

I kissed him firmly, and rolled off the bed. I sensed his confusion as I strode to the door, and I heard the bed shift as he moved to follow me. I jogged into the kitchen, and opened the fridge, pulled the bottle of champagne I had bought in hope of my play being sold.

I pulled the cork out, so it popped in my hand rather than flying across the room and breaking something. Knowing my track record so far today, then it probably would have. I threw it to Dougie with a grin. He caught it from the doorway, a look of bemusement on his face. “What’s the occasion?”

A shrug. “I figured we had cause to celebrate. We got excellent reviews; I finally managed to say it…” He smiled at me warmly. “And… I just sold Night Screams.”

His face lit up again, “You sold it? Oh, Harry!” He hugged me tightly, “Well done! We should definitely celebrate.” He moved back so he could take the glass I held out to him, “To new successes.”

“New successes.”

We clinked our glasses together, and each took a sip. And as he moved forward and kissed me, I knew.

Taking over me.