Chapter Thirty-Nine- The Ashamed Son’s Confession

I took a deep breath to compose myself before moving into the kitchen. My mum had her back to the door and was furiously mixing something up in a bowl. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I pitied it for how violent she was being. I winced, taking note of her tense shoulders. This was a precarious situation and it was a given that I should proceed with caution. “Mum?” I asked softly.

“Yes?” she asked through gritted teeth, still pounding whatever it was into the side of the bowl.

“Can I talk to you?” I asked, moving into the kitchen properly.

She shook her head, “Tom, you have a…houseguest. I don’t think this is the right moment.”

“I’m not giving it time to fester in your mind.”

There was a loud smack as she slammed the bowl down and she turned to look at me with fire in her eyes as I jumped. “If you’re about to tell me that I didn’t just catch you in bed with your ex boyfriend, then you’d better choose your words very carefully, my son.”

I swallowed nervously, “I’m not going to lie to you. Dougie and I… We slept together last night.”

She closed her eyes, drawing in a long breath as she leant back against the unit. It seemed like years before she finally said in a flat tone: “How could you?”

“Mum…”

“Did you not even take Danny into consideration?” she demanded, opening her eyes again. “And Harry?! I am so-”

“Don’t say it!” I snapped. “Scream at me, slap me for all I care! But don’t say that you’re disappointed in me.”

“And why shouldn’t I when it’s true?” she asked with venom in her voice.

“Because you know damn well that I know already so saying it won’t aid the situation!” Blowing out a breath, I turned away, knuckling away the tears that threatened to fall and trying to steady my breathing. I didn’t do the crying thing. I never had and I didn’t plan to start now.

She sighed, “I thought you were fine with Harry and Dougie.”

“I am.” I sensed her incredulous retort before it arrived and turned back to face her, “No, I am. I…can’t explain. My insides don’t burn when I see them together; I don’t want to deck Harry for kissing him…”

“Those are clichés, Tom,” she reminded me.

“But they have to have their roots in something.” I put a hand to my head; closed my eyes in concentration, “I don’t resent them, but I can’t help that…when we’re together…”

Her eyes were calm on mine as I opened them again, “Then maybe you shouldn’t be alone together anymore.”

Someone cleared their throat by the door and we both turned to see Dougie standing there with a sheepish expression on his face. “I’m gonna go,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, Tom. See you later. ‘Bye, Don.”

“‘Bye.”

Without stopping to think, I propelled myself out of the kitchen door after him. “Dougie. Wait.” He paused by the door and allowed me to catch up. “Before you go, can I say something?”

He shrugged, “Sure.”

“I was in a bad mood…” I shifted on my feet. “Before. When I told you to get out.”

He nodded, “Yeah. I noticed.”

“And I wanted to say sorry,” I told him. “I was making out that it was your fault. And it’s not. There are two of us in this.” He nodded, but I grabbed his wrist as he reached for the latch on the door. “But this…” I swallowed as his eyes flicked back to mine. “It has to be the last time. Properly, this time. We can’t do this.”

“Again,” he remarked wryly.

I swallowed once more, “Again.”

His eyes were serious for once; his face grim. Then he attempted a smile, but- even as his lips curved- his eyes remained flat. “Because your tastes have matured, right? Into something tall and Northern…” He put a finger to my lips before I could speak, “No. I understand. Really. I’m no longer your type. You’re not attracted anymore…”

I pulled his hand away, “Don’t be ridiculous. Look at yourself. Of course I’m still attracted. But attraction isn’t everything, and I can’t always act on it. I can’t play this game with you anymore. It’s not fair on Danny or Harry.”

“I know.” He raised his hands in mock defence, but there was still no humour in his expression, “It was just New Year. To…let it all out.” Then he moved into me and gave me a short, hard kiss. “Let it all out,” he repeated, thumbing his lip. Then he reached for the door and- this time- I let him. “See you later?”

“Yeah,” I said dully.

He gave me a sad smile as he stepped out of the door, “Happy New Year, Tom.”

“Happy New Year.” But, as the door clicked shut, I let out a low sigh.