Guilty

I smiled as I walked into the house that I shared with my boyfriend. I was extremely proud of myself. I had been searching all of the music shops in London for months, and I had finally found a limited, special edition of a CD in one of the little shops in Camden.

I breezed into the living room; saw Harry standing by the fireplace- staring off into space. “You’ll never guess what,” I burbled as I pulled off my jacket and dumped that and my new CD onto the sofa. “I managed to find it. I mean, it only took my eight months… But I walked in and there it was, smiling up at me. No chips, no flaws.” I gave a happy sigh, “I think I’m still delirious.”

When he didn’t respond, I just carried on nonetheless, “I mean, you know how long I’ve been looking for this, and now I finally have it.” I couldn’t keep the bright smile off my face as I crossed to him, sliding my arms around him from behind and pecking him on the cheek, “Hi, by the way.”

He made a scoffing noise, and shrugged me off, stepping away. I was perplexed. What was up with him? Admittedly, he’d been quiet when I’d walked in, but I was used to him telling me that I talked too much and never let him get a word in edgeways. “Hey, what’s got your goat?” I asked.

Harry took a deep breath, turning to face me for the first time. His eyes looked darker than usual, his face more serious. “I need to talk to you.”

It was at that exact moment that my mobile began to ring. I cringed apologetically as Harry looked pained. “Hold that thought,” I told him, holding up a single finger before hurrying over to the sofa and fumbling in my jacket pocket for my mobile. I pulled it out and grinned at the display; but- before I could answer- Harry had ripped it from my grasp and thrown it across the room.

I watched with a slack jaw as my phone hit the wall heavily over the fireplace, before clattering down to the hearth. It had stopped ringing before it even hit the floor, emitting an odd buzz that told me it had beeped its last. “Harry!” I cried.

I moved towards the fireplace, “Well, of course it’s not going to work after you’ve thrown it across the room!”

He caught my arm, yanked me back, and I could see the anger mixing with the matching frustration in his eyes. “Not the phone, Tom!” He raised a hand between us, taking a steady breath as he motioned back and forth. “This isn’t working.”

All I could do was stare at him. I felt my eyes heat up in response to what he was saying. “Why?” I implored, my voice coming out as a whisper.

“It’s just something I’ve been feeling for a while,” he told me, shaking his head as he looked back up at me.

But I stepped forward, taking hold of his hand desperately, “But it does. If you don’t tell me, then I can’t fix it.”

He just shook his head once more and moved towards the door, “I’m just going to get my things and go.”

“Please, Harry,” I begged, clinging to his hand like there was no tomorrow. “Don’t do this.”

His face was sympathetic as he looked towards me, “I had hoped that you would take this better.”

“Why would I ever take it well?!” I shouted suddenly, yanking on his hand so he was dragged towards me in surprise. My voice was lower now as I stared into his eyes, “My boyfriend of five years has just told me he’s leaving, and he won’t even tell me why!”

Then we were kissing. I don’t even know who initiated it, but our mouths melded together and I put all of my energy into the kiss, trying to show him why it was worth sticking around. He responded to the kiss just as desperately, which gave me some hope. My belly still flipped at every ounce of contact, even despite the current situation.

Then, as suddenly as it had happened, it stopped. Harry shoved me back, breaking all contact between us. His face was hard now- his eyes cold, his mouth set in a grim line. “Don’t make this more difficult, Tom.”

I stared at him incredulously, “You’re the one who’s making it difficult!”

“I’m just going to go.” He walked towards the door again, but I shot around him, blocking off the door before he could reach it and bracing myself on the frame just in case he tried to barge through anyway.

“No, you’re not,” I spat at him. “You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell I did to cause this.”

He took a step back, covering his face with his hands, “I never said that you did anything.”

“But it does to me,” I retorted. “I need to know what I did so I can fix it!”

Something in his face suddenly changed, and fury flooded in, “You can’t fix it, Tom! It doesn’t matter, because it’s not what you did, it’s who you are!”

“You didn’t do anything. I did! There’s someone else, and I’m sick of coming away from them to you! I can’t stand you- your personality! It makes me feel sick if I’m with you for too long! It’s…you!”

Then he pushed past me, and I let him. “Oh, and it only took you five years to figure that out?!” I screamed after him as he stormed up the stairs. That was my last piece of fight. I leant against the wall next to the sofa and sank down it slowly until I was sitting in the foetal position.

It was now that the tears fell. How could that have happened? How could he just suddenly decide that he didn’t want me anymore? That he hated my personality…? It was ridiculous.

“Tom, it’s me, again. You can’t keep ignoring my calls. We have to talk this out. Please, just call me back.”

“Tom, don’t be so heartless. I’m trying to salvage something here and it’s like you don’t care. I thought you’d want our friendship back.”

I hit delete on the answer phone. It had been three months since Harry had left, but I still wasn’t ready to talk to him. I hadn’t heard from him at all for a month. But then it was like he had taken up stalking me with his ‘let’s be friends’ plea. He kept calling me, and- when I didn’t pick up- he came round, and then called me some more from my doorstep.

I had only gone out to the shops for ten minutes, and there were already two messages. I sighed, opening the fridge and setting the jug of milk I had just bought inside.

I rolled my eyes, staying exactly where I was. A second later, it rang again, this time with a longer trill. I moved towards the door. I didn’t want to talk to him, but he was seriously starting to annoy me. I pulled the door open as he let rip with another lean on the doorbell. His eyes widened at the sight of me.

Harry looked insulted, but I could tell there was something more underneath, “No need to be so rude. I just wanted to check you were okay.” He smiled at me as he eased past me and into the house.

“Oh, I’m just swell,” I enthused quietly in a faux American accent. I shut the door, and followed him into the living room, where I hovered awkwardly by the door.

“Harry,” I said firmly, and his eyes snapped up to look at me. “Why are you here? I don’t hear from you for two months, as expected, and then you become my personal stalker?”

“Why care?” I clarified. “You didn’t care when you dumped me for no good reason, so why have you suddenly decided you care?”

He looked completely thrown off by what I was saying, “Because I want us still to be friends.”

I groaned, “Look, no offence. And I only say that out of courtesy, because we both know that I mean all offence that’s about to come out here… I don’t want to be friends with you. I don’t want to see you. You left me; you told me you hated my personality. Why would you want to be friends with-?”

His mouth crushed down on mine with bruising force, and he held me close even as I fought away from him. Oh, no. I wasn’t letting him kiss me like nothing had happened. I shoved him away harshly.

“What the hell, Harry?!” I shouted. “What is it? You bored of your new bloke? Is he not on hand whenever you need him?”

“You’re so hot when you’re angry,” he murmured, and I raised my hands instinctively to bat his away as they moved in to cup my face again so he could kiss me.

He gave me a coy smile, “Come on, Tom… We worked so well together. I know you want it again. I know you still want me…”

“Yeah, but you don’t mean it,” he insisted. He stepped towards me, cupping my cheek in his hand fondly. “Tom, I know I hurt you. But I was wrong. I can’t live without you.”

I shook my head, my eyes dispassionate on his, “No, you can’t live without someone there to tell you how brilliant you are.”

The break-up had enlightened me on this fact. After a while, I had begun to realise all of his flaws, everything that I had been oblivious to beforehand. But he really wasn’t worth going through it all over again. The reasonable part of me knew that.

So why was there a part of me that still yearned to take that hurt look out of his eye and make it all better?

He let go of me soundlessly, stumbling back slightly, “What happened to you, Tom? You used to be so…”

“I used to be your slave,” I told him, hoping that I sounded more confident than I felt. Already, I felt guilty for being so cold towards him.

“And I want to make it up to you, but I guess you’re too much of a heartless droid to accept my apologies.”

He shook his head, “But you wouldn’t accept it even if I made it. You’re different, Tom. You used to be forgiving.”

“You’re different, too,” I told him softly. “But, then again, maybe I’m just seeing you for real now.”

Harry just stared at me, and then pushed past. After a few seconds, I heard the door open before it banged shut again. I closed my eyes, savouring the feeling of solitude that hung in the air now that he was gone.

What the hell had just happened? First he had dumped me, and then he had the audacity to just swan in here and claim that it would make me happier to take him back? Well, he could forget it. That attitude was one of the traits that had become apparent now that I wasn’t enamoured by him.

I took a seat on the arm of the sofa. I had no idea what the hell he was playing at, but one thing was for sure: I wasn’t about to be pulled back in by him.

I frowned, pausing in taking off my coat. Would this make me want to promptly leave again…? “Heard about what?”

His cringe was apologetic, and he had the good grace to look sheepish, “You haven’t been home yet, have you?”

“No,” I confirmed, shaking my head. “I came straight from work. Why? Did you leave me a message?”

I rolled my eyes, “Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t afford to replace it, yet. It’s not my fault that Harry decided to throw it against a wall.”

I froze, staring at Matt with wide eyes. His returning stare was apologetic, and just a little wary. I turned my head slowly to stare down the corridor, hoping with all my strength that I wouldn’t see who I thought it was.

I was out of luck. There he stood- bold as brass in the doorway. Harry Judd. He was dressed in smart black trousers and a navy blue open-collared shirt, and was staring back at me with a half-smile on his face. Damn it! Why hadn’t I stopped by the house first?

I forced myself to give him a civil smile, “Evening, Harry.” My smile was still in place as I turned back to Matt, though I felt it get more menacing, “Matt. A word?”

“Excuse us for a moment,” I said to Harry with fake politeness, before seizing Matt by his upper arm and hauling him forcefully into the living room. I shut the door behind me and leant on it.

“Now, that’s an interesting question…” At my stony glare, he decided to just answer it, “I’m sorry. One of the other guests brought him, and I could hardly turn him away. It’s my girlfriend’s birthday. Hell if I’m making a scene!”

I drew in a long breath, “No. Sara will kill both of us slowly and painfully if we do anything to ruin her day.” I put my hands over my face, “Bloody hell. Who brought him?”

“Bastard,” I muttered. “It must be a ploy, then. When we were together, he described Dave as ‘annoying and overly camp’.”

I rolled my eyes, “That doesn’t matter. What the hell is he doing? He stalks me for a month, I reject him, then he ambushes the birthday of my best friend’s girlfriend a week later? It’s not normal dumper behaviour.”

“Obsessive behaviour’s normally associated with the dumpee,” Matt agreed. He stepped to me, patted me on the head condescending, “You’re normal.”

I swatted his hand away, “I’m on the opposite end of the table from him, right?”

“It’s not your fault,” I reassured him. “I just severely underestimated his determination. It’s like he thinks I’m going to get jealous.”

“No, just guilty.” I considered, “He has a knack at that. But it’s only when he’s there that I actually feel it.”

“Good.” Matt looked shifty, “I never wanted to say, but I could never stand Harry.”

I laughed, “Well done on keeping that quiet!” Taking the pressure off the door, I turned around, “Right. Time to face the music.”

But as I pulled open the door, I was faced with something else. A woman was leaning her back against the staircase, a look that was disapproval mixed with mild amusement on her face. She had long, flaming red hair that fell in glamorous ringlets over her shoulders. Her face was slim, with high cheekbones and a narrow nose. Her eyes were almond shaped and hazel, and there was an almost feline quality to her. She cocked an eyebrow at me, “You trying to steal my boyfriend, Fletcher?”

I heaved a sigh, “Alas, I try. But he’s too straight for his own good.” I covered the space between us easily, leaning on the side of the stairs casually with one hand. “What about you? Will you elope with me?”

Sara suddenly laughed, pulling me into a tight hug. “It’s great to see you being more like…you.” I smiled over her shoulder. Matt and Sara had been together for four years, after she had passed his test by instantly gelling with me as well. We were a joint package.

Her grin was bright, and she cast a glance at the dining room that told me that she had also assessed the current situation. “You staying? Because I’ll understand.”

I shook my head, “No. He’s forgotten that this is basically my home ground. I’m not backing off.”

She hooked her arm through mine companionably, “Great. You got me a present, right?”

I heard Matt laugh as I inclined my head thoughtfully, “I guess you’ll just have to wait and see…”

The meal was torture. I tried to distract myself by talking to Sara; talking to Matt. But I was…aware of his presence. And damn it if it wasn’t making me uncomfortable. Why did he have to be so obvious about everything?

I knew that I had the upper hand in this situation, no doubt. This was my social circle, not his. The hosts were pointedly refusing to make conversation with him past ‘pass the salt’. What made it even more amusing was that they were both still including Dave. It wasn’t his fault that Harry was being manipulative.

“Tom.” As I heard my name, I turned to look into Dave’s eager eyes. He was a few people down the table from me. “I meant to tell you,” he gushed. “I have a friend-”

He did an exaggerated roll of the eyes, “You’re so cruel. And when I was about to suggest a date for you.”

My interest was caught. It had been three months since Harry had left, and I hadn’t even considered someone else. Maybe I ought to… I kept my eyes on Dave. “Really?”

“Recently came out, yeah,” Dave confirmed. “But you’d get on really well with him, Tom. He’s nice, funny…” He lowered his voice, leaning further across the table, “Not to mention that he’s gorgeous. An arse to die for, seriously.”

He made a dismissive hand gesture, “Shallow would have been to mention he was gorgeous first. But he really is.”

I was amused, and curious enough to try. As Sara’s best friend, I had known him as long as I’d known her, and I knew that he knew me well enough to judge this kind of thing. “Okay. I trust you.”

“Really?” He bounced up and down in his seat excitedly. “Oh, I love you! This is so perfect! I can’t wait to introduce you!”

“It will,” he promised, making me laugh again. Then I felt the hair on the back of my neck prickle, and I turned my head cautiously to look into the cold glare of Harry’s gaze.

For a second, the thought of getting a new date had made me completely forget that he was there. And he did not look happy. His eyes were narrowed and he was sitting stiffly in his chair. The thought that I might get someone new- therefore cementing the fact that I was over him- was not sitting well with him. I offered an innocent smile in response.

Then I turned back to face Sara, “Oh. That reminds me. I still need to give you your present.”

That grin that had already been there due to my conversation with Dave brightened now, and the whole table fell silent in curiosity. “Is it time?”

I nodded, “I reckon so.” I reached back to the jacket that was hung over the back of my seat, and pulled a long envelope outside of the inside pocket. I handed it over to her with a smile. “Happy birthday, Sara.”

She was almost bouncing from excitement as she opened it. She pulled out the card, and read the front in amusement. But her laugh died in her throat as she opened it. Her jaw hung in disbelief as she stared down at what faced her.

“What is it?” Matt asked, leaning over. His jaw plummeted as well, before his head snapped up so his wide eyes could bore into me. “Tom!”

I shrugged, picking up my wine glass and taking a leisurely sip, “I figured you two deserved a treat for being my rock over the past few months in particular.” I didn’t bother to look at the source, but I kept my eyes on the shocked couple. “So those are first class tickets to Japan, where I have arranged a hotel in a couple of different places, and Sara can indulge in her heritage.”

“And the manga!” she exclaimed. She jumped out of her seat, hurrying over to where I was sitting and embracing me tightly from behind. “You are so incredible!”

She kept her hands on my shoulders as she addressed the whole table, “We’re going to give the main course a little time to go down before pudding, so feel free to wander.”

Taking her up on that, I headed to the toilet. I smiled to myself as I washed my hands. It all seemed to be coming back together. I had thanked Sara and Matt for all their support; I had a prospective date…

I frowned as someone hammered on the door. “Hang on a sec,” I called, drying my hands. Did they not realise there was another toilet in the bathroom upstairs? I unlocked the door and opened it, only to be forced back inside by Harry. “What the-?!”

But that was all I managed before his mouth crushed down on mine. His lips gelled to mine firmly, his kiss insistent and harsh. I pushed him back harshly. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Showing you that you don’t need anyone else.” Panic set in as he swooped down and kissed me again. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? I pushed him back again.

You’ve been so thoughtless

I can see right through you

You used to be there for me

Don’t you leave and say goodbye

‘Cause you have changed, and so have I

“We need to talk,” Harry announced, striding into the house as I opened the door to him.

“No. You need to get out and leave me the hell alone,” I corrected hotly. “What is it, Harry? You only want me if I don’t want you?”

“Tom!”

I pushed the front door shut with a loud bang, making him jump, “No, Harry! You dumped me and crushed me. And then you left me alone. I was fine with that. It gave me time to sort out my head.”

“But-”

My stony glare made him falter, “I’m not finished. I was ready! I was finally over it all, ready to move on. And then you start…” I gestured wildly. “…doing the whole ‘friend’ act- which, by the way, I didn’t believe for one second! I don’t understand, Harry! What do you want from me?”

“Another chance,” he pleaded. He moved forward and took my hand. “As soon as I left you, I realised what a big mistake it was. I had been scared of how serious we were getting, but it was only after that that I realised that’s all I want.”

“So you lied about the reasons for breaking up with me?” I asked hollowly.

He nodded, his eyes shining, “Please… I’ve tried to date other guys, but it won’t work. I haven’t slept with anyone!”

I rolled my eyes, “I take it that’s meant to impress me?”

He looked insulted, “You have no idea how much it hurt to hear you talking about dating someone else the other night.”

“As much as it hurt to be told you have a repulsive personality?” I shot back.

“I’m sorry!”

“And I’m sorry that you had to break my heart before I realised what a manipulative, lying arsehole you are,” I told him softly.

I could see it now, more clearly than I ever had. Despite all of his sincerity, I knew that he wasn’t being honest. This was just a case of ‘I-don’t-want-you-but-no-one-else-can-have-you-either’. And it made me sick that he thought he could manipulate me like that.

So I was being direct with him, and I wished he would just be a man and do likewise. But he wouldn’t, and I knew what was coming.

His eyes widened, and his lower lip gave a convincing quiver. But I just couldn’t bring myself to believe him anymore. “Tom…” he whispered breathily. “Don’t…”

“Don’t what?” I knew my voice sounded cold, but I was far from caring anymore.

“Don’t go on this date for no other selfish reason than to hurt me.”

“Oh, so I’m selfish now?!” I pulled my hand free sharply and pushed past him into the living room. “For your information,” I snapped, spinning back as he followed me in. “It’s not me being selfish. It’s you being self-important.”

“Why can’t we just give this another go?”

“Why can’t you just accept that I don’t want to?!”

He chuckled softly, “Because I know you’re lying. You need me just as much as I need you.” His expression faltered, and subtle doubt came into his eyes, “I need to know you need me, too.”

Damn it! Why did he always do this to me? I cursed myself as that nagging feeling of guilt began to churn in my stomach. No matter how much I had learnt about him, I still felt bad for disappointing him.

When I failed to respond, he took a deep breath, “Tom. Tell me that you still want me.”

My eyes fell to the floor, and I shook my head, “I can’t.”

“No!” There were quick footsteps, and his arms enveloped me as he hugged me close to his body. I heard him breathe in leisurely, but being so close to him was doing nothing for me. No tummy flip, no tingles. But no disgust, either. Was I free? Had I finally crossed the line into indifference?

“Tom…” he murmured into my hair. “Tom… I missed you so much…” With a heavy heart, I said nothing, and leaned my head into his shoulder. His hands trailed up and down my back.

“Harry,” I dared to say after a moment, trying to make my tone politely firm.

He moved back to stare into my eyes. “Tom…” was all that left his lips before he shifted in to touch them to mine.

The kiss was so reluctant, so tender. It was so different from any kiss that we’d shared recently, that I found myself moving my mouth against his, kissing him back to the same steady rhythm. His hands firmed against my body- one on the small of my back and one between my shoulder blades- holding me into him.

I felt him murmur my name once more against my lips, and he pulled back. His eyes were shining. Oh, no… His lips curved slowly, and he moved forward again, but I turned away. “I’m sorry.”

And I was. Despite everything, I didn’t want him to be unhappy. But I hadn’t felt anything during that kiss. It had been cold. Cold, unfeeling routine. I wasn’t being pulled into something like that in order to keep him happy.

“Tom,” he pleaded. But I shook my head.

“You’ve eaten your cake,” I told him. “You can’t have what’s already gone.”

He screwed up his face and pushed me away- so roughly that I stumbled. “It’s not gone!” he shouted. “You can’t say that!”

Then he strode from the room. I heard the front door slam a moment later. I felt hollow. All I could do was stand where he had left me. I didn’t want to hurt him, no matter how much he had hurt me. So why was he making it so impossible…?

Guilty, whoa, guilty

I feel so empty, yeah

Empty- you know how you make me feel

“I just can’t take it anymore,” I admitted to Matt a couple of days later as we walked through the town, looking for a café to have lunch in.

“Then don’t,” he said with a shrug. “You need to completely shut him off. Ignore him until he finally gets the message.”

I sighed, “I’m no good at ignoring.”

He rolled his eyes in response, “Learn.”

“How about you learn to give birth?” I quipped, reminding him how impossible his request was. “I need to find another way to get it across to him.”

Matt suddenly looked coy, “Well, you could always do what he fears most… Get another boyfriend.”

“You say that like they’re a commodity that you can walk into a shop and buy,” I remarked.

“Dave says his offer still stands.”

“I don’t know…” I said with a sigh as we entered a café at random and sat down at one of the little tables.

Matt sighed, “You need to work out what you’re doing. You can’t abstain from dating just because your ex wouldn’t like it. Besides, I want to see progress before we leave for Japan.”

“I’m not sure how to take that statement.”

He spread his hands, “As purely selfish on my part. If you’re not settled by the time we go, I’ll just worry.”

I plucked the menu out of the plastic holder in the centre of the table, opened it in front of me. “You met this guy?” I asked as I read.

“Well, no,” he admitted. “But I trust Dave’s judgement. Don’t you?”

“Even more so since he decided he didn’t like Harry,” I agreed. “I’m just not comfortable with blind dates.”

He tilted his head to the side in acknowledgement, and took the menu as I slid it to him, having made my decision, “I’m sure Dave would be able to come up with a way to get you to meet in a casual circumstance.”

“What? Like a party?”

He looked up at me in surprise, which then shifted into consideration, “Actually, that’s not a half bad idea… We can get him to have a…social gathering, where you and this newly-out friend of his can meet and see how you gel.”

“And there would be enough people around to cover if it gets awkward,” I added. “I might be able to cope with that.”

“I’ll talk to Dave. See what he thinks.”

Someone came through the door behind Matt, and I frowned curiously, “Looks like we both can.”

Matt turned in his seat to look around just as Dave spotted us and let out an excited squeal. He bounced over to us, flinging his arms around Matt’s shoulders as he arrived, “Well, if it isn’t the happy couple! How are you? Tom, you look hot today…”

I grinned at him, “Thank you.”

“Not that you don’t always look hot, but yes. Particularly nice today.”

I laughed at his chuntering, and then looked to the guy that Dave had come in with. He was tall, and lean, with dark hair that fell softly over his forehead, with little bits flicking out- almost like it had been mostly straightened then he’d given up. It was a good look. His face was slim, with freckles all over it, and his eyes were a clear blue. His lips were curving up in amusement at Dave’s outburst. Yup, Dave had landed on his feet this time…

“So when are you and Sara going to Japan? I would love to go to Japan! It would be so fascinating!” Dave was gushing to Matt. The man’s eyes flickered onto mine, and I smiled before forcing myself to look away. Couldn’t be seen staring…

“Yeah. Sara’s really psyched up about it.” Matt looked up at Dave’s companion now as well, “Who’s this?”

“Oh.” Dave whacked himself in the head expressively, “This is Danny. Danny, this is Matt and Tom.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said politely.

He nodded his head, his lips curving, “I’ve heard a lot about both of you from Dave.” I was fascinated by the low, Northern accented voice that flowed from his lips. And just when I’d thought that he couldn’t get any more attractive…

I slanted Dave a look, “Oh, have you now?”

Dave blushed, “Why don’t you go and claim a table, Danny? I’ll be right over.”

“Not joining us?” I asked as Danny moved off obediently, his hands tucked into his pockets in a very nonchalant pose.

Dave shook his head, “Danny and I have things to discuss.”

“Oh, before you skip off,” Matt said, catching Dave’s wrist and tugging him back as he made to leave. “Tom had a thought.”

He looked intrigued, “What?”

I leant forward on the table, “You know how you mentioned that you had a friend who might be interested?”

He shot a glance over his shoulder to check where Danny had gone, then leant in as if we were planning a conspiracy, “Yeah.”

“Well, I’m reluctant to do the whole ‘blind date’ thing,” I told him. “But we were thinking: If you held some sort of get-together, then I could meet him without the pressure of having to maintain conversation if we don’t gel.”

His face lit up, “That sounds like a brilliant idea! I’ll arrange everything!”

“You don’t want help?”

He looked disdainful, “What? Off a straight and a gay guy who acts straight? No, no, no. Leave the party-planning to me.” He glanced over his shoulder, gave a little hum of appreciation, “What d’you think?”

I grinned, “Very nice. He’s just proved that I still have the ability to admire.”

Dave rolled his eyes, “Honey, no-one can ever take that from you. See you later.”

Matt looked curious as Dave skipped off, “You thought he was hot?”

“You telling me that- even as a straight guy- you can’t tell that he’s good looking?”

“No, I can. You just haven’t made a comment like that in ages.” He smiled, “We’re making progress.”

I never thought that the time and the distance

Between us made you so much colder

I’ll carry the world on my shoulders

The second I stepped in through the door, I had a Dave on top of me. He hugged me tight, and I could feel him physically shaking due to his excitement. “This is going to be so incredible!” he gushed, planting a fond kiss on the centre of my lips before releasing me.

“Yeah, yeah,” I responded with a grin. “Sorry I’m late.” He led me into the living room, and I stared around, aghast, “Dave, how many people did you invite?”

He shrugged, “Just a few.”

I puffed out my cheeks thoughtfully, “I think your definition of ‘a lot’ would kill me.”

The living room was almost full, and there were people milling about all over the house. Dave rolled his eyes playfully, “Don’t exaggerate. You just relax. I think I just heard the door again.” He vanished from sight out of the room.

I shook my head in amusement, and wove my way through all the people to reach the kitchen. In there, I found one of Dave’s particularly flamboyant exes studying the drinks table. “Hey, James.”

He held up a finger, “One moment: I’m assessing.” Suddenly, he plucked a bottle from the collection, “This one!” He looked up at me with a blinding smile, “Well, you’re looking particularly nice this evening… I heard you got single.”

“Why?” I asked, moving to stand next to him at the table. “You asking?”

He giggled, “If I ever go for the straight thing, you’ll be my first option.”

I put a hand on his arm, “I’m sure I could change your mind…”

“I’m sure you could,” he purred. He moved up to kiss my lips softly, making a single noise of content before skipping off with his alcopop. I chuckled to myself, reaching for the bottle of vodka.

“Please tell me that’s not the friend,” a disgusted voice intoned. I winced, before looking up reluctantly to where Harry was standing in the doorway.

“No. That was a friend.”

He gave a snort of amusement, moving into the kitchen, “I’ve never liked effeminate guys. They annoy me.”

“Yeah, but they’re more friendly than the ‘macho’ gays,” I remarked, turning my attention back to my drink as I poured coke into the glass.

“But we both know that’s who you go for.”

I angled my head, met his challenging gaze, “And Dave knows that as well, so I’m sure his friend will be more than suitable.”

“Why do you want anyone else?”

“Because I don’t want you. Back off!” I barked as he took a step towards me. “Don’t come anywhere near me. I’m sick of you kissing me like it’s going to change anything.”

He grit his teeth, “Then let it change.”

“No,” I said simply. “I don’t want to take you back. I don’t want you to follow me around. You shouldn’t even be here. Did you get in by coming with some poor, naïve soul?”

“I can’t wait forever for you to realise.”

I slammed the vodka bottle down on the table with a bang, “Look, you arrogant, conceited, self-obsessed bastard, I’m never going to realise! It’s you who needs to realise that I’m not coming back to you! It’s over!”

He looked furious now, “I can’t ignore these feelings.”

“You don’t have feelings for anyone but yourself!” I shouted at him. “No-one else factors in! You’re so obsessed with what you want, and how to get it. Well, you’re not getting what you want this time! Now leave me alone!”

I realised that- at some point during my rant- Danny had appeared in the doorway behind Harry. And now, as Harry gave a snort and turned to storm out, he was shoved into the wall roughly. My anger reared again. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” I hollered after him, striding round the drinks table. “Are you okay?” I asked Danny, putting a hand on his arm.

He nodded, “Fine. Sorry if I intruded.”

I shook my head, “Don’t be. He shouldn’t even be here.” I wandered back into the kitchen, “He’s just having a strop ‘cause I won’t give him what he wants.”

“Is that your ex?” he dared to ask. “Dave mentioned that you were having problems with him.”

I gave him a strained smile, “I hate to admit to it.” I picked up my drink as he walked up to the table, “So, how long have you known Dave?”

He shrugged, “A few years. We met on that music course that he took.”

“Oh…” Wow. That had been a while ago. It was weird that I hadn’t met Danny until now. “Yeah. I remember him going on about some bloke he met on that. So you’re not…?”

“Not what?”

“Dating.”

A pink tint came into his cheeks, “Oh. No. Never. That would be too…awkward. He’s just a really good friend. He’s been a great help with my music and everything.”

I smiled, “That’s good. He’s all heart.”

He grinned, and my stomach gave a little flip, “He is that.” I wrenched my eyes off him. Just because he might be single didn’t mean that I had a right to gape. “So how do you know Dave?” he asked.

“Best friend’s fiancé’s best friend,” I told him. “When Matt and Sara got together, Dave and I were part of the deal.”

“Did you ever consider becoming a foursome?” Danny asked, then laughed as I gave him a look of alarm. “I mean two couples. You and Dave and Matt and Sara.”

I frowned, “No, it never even crossed our minds. I was dating Harry already by that point, I guess, but Dave was never more than a friend.”

“And now you’re single?”

I shook my head, “Still no. He’s not my type, and I’m not quite sensitive enough to be his.”

“Is that your way of saying he goes for camp?”

I held up my hands defensively, “It’s not prejudice if it’s true. For the most part, yes. He likes someone who’s either as cheerful as him, or who finds him cute enough to lavish him with adoration.”

He grinned again, “Fair enough.”

Oh…

Guilty, whoa

Guilty

Guilty, whoa

Empty, yeah

After a while, I decided to peel myself away from Danny. I was here to make acquaintances with Dave’s newly-out friend, not to make doe-eyes at another one of his friends- no matter how hot the apparently single Northerner was.

I smiled at him as we sat on the sofa in the living room, “Can you excuse me? I need to go and find Dave.”

He nodded, “Sure. I’ll talk to you later.”

“I’m sure you will.” I stood up, trying to look composed and casual as I walked over to the door. Why did he have to be so damn friendly on top of everything else?! Could this guy not put a foot wrong and stop me from just wanting to take him somewhere and kiss him violently?

But, no. If Dave had thought that Danny and I were compatible, then he would have hooked us up. I wanted to meet this friend and see whether Dave knew my taste. If all failed, I could go back and talk to Danny. We just seemed to click.

I wandered down the corridor and into the kitchen, keeping an eye out for the bleach blond hair of my hyperactive friend. I scanned the assortment of people standing there and sighed, but- as I turned to leave- hands came to rest on my hips, holding me still.

The stubble along his jaw scraped my cheek as he whispered in my ear: “Meet me in the spare bedroom in five minutes. I promise I won’t try anything. I just need to show you what you mean to me… We need to sort this out.”

And then the pressure on my hips was gone, and so was he. I turned my head, and only just caught his meaningful look before he vanished up the stairs. I shook my head. Did he think I was stupid? There was no way I was letting myself be trapped in a room with him.

But maybe talking to him when he was finally ready to listen would be a good way to get past everything that had happened. Damn it! Why couldn’t I be stubborn enough to just stay put?

I sighed and headed towards the stairs, hoping he would be willing to listen to reason. I wove my way through everyone and set my hand on the banister. “Tom!”

I winced and turned to face Dave where he was standing in the doorway to the living room. “Yeah?”

“About that guy that I wanted to set you up with,” he said quickly, his eyes bright, but I held up a hand to stop him short.

“Look, can I talk to you later?” I asked him, glancing up the stairs warily. I didn’t want to put Harry in a bad mood and wreck my chances of having a decent discussion with him.

He shook his head, “Come on… Don’t be shy… I know you’ll get on really well with him!”

“No, that’s not the problem. I just-”

Danny appeared behind him, a frown on his face. He studied me, “Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes,” I lied through my stress. “I just need to do something.”

Dave put a hand on my wrist, “What?”

“I can’t say.”

The frown on Danny’s face deepened, “Has something happened with your ex?”

I shook my head, “Yes. No. I just need to…sort this out now.” I shook off Dave’s hand, “Excuse me.” I hurried up the stairs before they could say anything more.

I pushed past a couple who were getting frisky at the top of the stairs, and carried on towards where I knew the spare bedroom was. The female of the pair made a scoffing noise at me, but I ignored her.

Hopefully, Harry was still waiting, and in a decent mood. I couldn’t be sure how long that altercation with Dave and Danny had taken. I really needed to talk to him rationally, without him turning into a prima donna every time I pushed him away. Was he finally ready to do that?

I frowned as I got to the right door and found it closed. Weird. Why would he do that? I cast a glance downwards. Odd. Normally, there would be at least a little light spilling out from under the door, but it didn’t look like the light had even been turned on. Was he sitting in the dark or something?

As I opened the door carefully, I considered the possibility of my mishearing him, but I dismissed that. He had definitely said spare bedroom… But where was he??

I pushed the door open gradually, slowly revealing more and more of the darkness within the room. I frowned, searching the darkness for him, but there was no obvious sign.

Then there was a low, throaty moan.

I just stood and gaped as two figures became apparent on the bed; their mouths fused together, their naked bodies close to one another’s.

Slowly, a flush came into my cheeks as I realised that I had walked in on a couple having sex. Harry must have come to the same conclusion and left them be. I began to back out slowly, hoping that neither of them would spot me.

Then there was dominance shift on the bed.

The blond man who had been on top was now flipped onto his back, being straddled now by the other man. The man with a body that I knew all too well…

Harry moved his mouth down so he was kissing the blond’s neck feverishly. I recognised him now as well. One of Dave’s friends. Dougie, I think he was called.

I glared at them as they carried on on the bed, apparently oblivious to my arrival. It was all so clear now. Harry had never wanted to talk things over. He had scored, and he wanted to rub my face in it.

Well, if he thought this was going to make me see red, attack Dougie and proclaim my undying love for him, he was- once more- sadly mistaken. I just couldn’t believe that he could be so vulgar, so low. Think me naïve, but I had still expected better from him than this.

Standing where I was, I cleared my throat meaningfully, “And what exactly is this mature spectacle supposed to accomplish, Harry?”