I don’t cry for pain.

~~~~~

“Ah!” I swore violently, attempting to stem the flow of blood from my hand by shaking it fiercely, which- admittedly- did absolutely nothing but cause me more pain.

“Matt!” you cried, trying to snatch my hand. “Hold still.”

“It’s fine,” I tried to reassure you. “The knife didn’t cut that deep. It was an accident. No worries.”

You finally managed to grab hold of my wrist. “You’re going to need stitches, Matts!” you told me, staring at the slit. You looked up at me curiously, “Why the hell aren’t you in floods of tears at the pain?”

I shrugged, looking down at my hand, “It doesn’t hurt that much.”

~~~~~

I don’t cry for loneliness.

~~~~~

“Oh, man! I’m late!” you fussed, speeding into the living room. “Do I look okay? I was meant to meet Kara about five minutes ago!”

I laughed, “Jay, it’s five minutes. Would you relax?”

“How do I look?” you pressed.

“You look fine,” I told you, making sure to roll my eyes. “Now, get going before I feel tempted to lock you in and have my way with you.”

“Okay. Okay.” You shot me one last grin, “Later.” You sped out the front door, the sound of the door slamming shut echoing in the now-empty house.

~~~~~

I don’t cry for films.

~~~~~

You buried your face in my jumper, your back heaving with deep sobs. I groaned, “Oh, my God, Jay, you’re such a girl!”

“And you’re a stone wall,” you retorted, clinging to me. “How can you not be crying?!”

I stared at the screen, which was still showing the same scene that had started you off. “Because it’s not actually that depressing, mate,” I pointed out.

“But Merry and Pippin are being separated, and they don’t know if they’re ever going to see each other again. And it’s…swa swanen faknot!” Although your voice had been getting higher and higher pitched through this speech, this was when you finally became completely incoherent, burrowing even deeper into my shoulder.

I sighed, and patted the back of your head gently. “There, there… I’m sure they’ll be fine…” This was the twentieth time we’d watched this film together. And every time you had the same reaction.

~~~~~

I don’t cry for humiliation.

~~~~~

A newspaper was slammed down on the table in front of me. “You were seen, stumbling out of that gay bar, drunk, Mathew,” Fletch said in exasperation. “Did you do anything while in there?”

“No…” I lied, knowing he already knew the answer to his question anyway. If he was gonna prevent me from coming out about being gay, I had to go somewhere to vent the sexual frustration.

“Matt, you have to stop this,” he commanded. He turned to you, “And, James, you’re no better. You’ve been seen stumbling drunk out of nightclubs all over town. Control yourself.”

“Yes, Fletch,” your voice was thick with the emotion you were desperately trying to contain. I simply shrugged.

~~~~~

I don’t cry for any of these things.

~~~~~

“That bitch!” you raged, storming into the house. “That cheating, lying bitch!” You strode into the living room and saw me sitting there. “Kara’s a bitch,” you said matter-of-factly.

“She break up with you?” I asked as you flopped down onto the sofa next to me.

“Little bit. But I like to think that I dumped her after she told me she was sleeping with one of her co-stars.” You sighed, “Y’know, sometimes, I think you have it the best.” I turned to look at you with a frown; your blue eyes were boring into me. “I wonder if it would be so much easier to just…change teams.”

I laughed, “You mean, go gay?” You nodded. “It’s not really something you can just ch-” I broke off as you leant forward so your lips touched mine. Unable to fight away, I pulled you closer. As my tongue entered the warm, sweet taste of your mouth, you moaned throatily. The kiss played out, as they often did in films, then your eyes opened and everything went wrong.

“Oh, God. I’m so sorry.”

“Jay, it’s-”

“No. I used the fact that you were gay as an escape. I took advantage. I can’t believe I just did that.” You jumped to your feet and ran from the room.

“James!” I called after you. I heard your bedroom door slam, and I fell back onto the sofa, hot tears already making tracks down my face.

~~~~~

I only cry for you.