Matt

You thought I wasn’t good enough for you. You thought I wasn’t worthy of you. You shoved me away when I told you my true feelings. You basically laughed in my face- I bet you laughed behind my back- and told me exactly what you thought of me.

*****

1999

“Hey, Lee. Check this out,” you said to me, flopping down on the sofa next to me and thrusting a magazine under my nose. As I took hold of it, you pointed at a concert advertisement, “Green Day are coming here. We have to go see them.”

I sighed quietly to myself. I’d never really gotten the obsession with Green Day, but you seemed to love them. “Sure. What? With your other friends?”

You shot me a weird look, “If you want…but I was thinking just us. None of the others seem to like them that much, and every time I mention ‘Dookie’, they all burst out laughing!”

“Never let it be said they’re immature…” I muttered, reading the tour dates.

You laughed lightly. “Lee?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Do you like Green Day? I mean, really. Or are you just saying you do to keep me happy?”

I turned to stare at you, “Yes, I like them! It would be a slight waste of money to go see them if I didn’t, wouldn’t it?” I grinned at you, “The company wouldn’t be worth that much…”

You snatched the magazine back and swatted me with it. “Shut up!” As you continued to hit me, I leaned backwards, shutting my eyes and trying desperately to whack you away. That’s when I felt your mouth on mine. My head was spinning. What? Since when do you like me? I’m meant to like you. You pull back as suddenly as you started it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. Forget it.”

I sat up straight again. “Are you okay?” I put a hand on your arm, but you snatched it away like I was diseased.

“Don’t! I can’t! I just can’t!”

“Can’t what?”

“Why?” You raise your head up out your hands to look at me and realization hits like a hammer blow across the face. “You’re ashamed of me.”

You let out a hollow laugh, “Well, there’s not much to be proud of, is there?” You glared at me, suddenly angry, “You follow everyone around like a bloody sheep, you never stand up for yourself, and- let’s face it, Lee- you’re no pleasure to look at.” You stood up, and I stared at you, unable to believe we can be kissing one minute and you’re saying the next. “I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe I felt sorry for you! I wanted to help you! But you’re not even trying to change, are you?”

“I don’t want to change into something that’s not me,” I replied coolly.

“Then you’re on your own. Popularity has a price, Lee. And I’ve paid it.” You headed for the door of my living room. You paused just inside the doorway. “Y’know, I really do pity whoever gets trapped with you,” you told me, before leaving.

*****

2006

You never spoke to me after that, apart from to toss a snide comment in my face. We were fifteen then. I was twenty-two now, and longing for revenge. You humiliated me, so now I planned to get you back. You wouldn’t recognise me. Lee Docherty is dead, hidden under the plastic surgery and the fake personality. And Matt Willis stands in his place. And believe me when I say: James Bourne is going to pay dearly for wrecking my life.

James
 
God, did I really have to suffer this? I’d had enough of grinding my teeth. “Kara, get the fuck out of my house,” I screamed. “If you’re not willing to do what I ask, you can find some other bastard who’s silly enough to take you on to live with!”

Her eyes were filled with tears, but who was I to give a shit. “James,” she replied almost silently. Oh. My. God.

“What, Kara? Can’t you take the hint?!”

She glared at me with her glassy eyes. The blue centre shimmering under the light above her head. “Are you seriously dumping me with nowhere to go because I wouldn’t give you a blow-job?”

I sat my chin on the palm of my hand. “Well, honey, I’m afraid so… Look, I’m being silly. C’mere.” She looked confused as she walked towards my arms, but if she thought it was a hug I was after she was wrong. I could hear her scream underneath my lips, and then she dragged her nails down my arms causing small drips of blood to fall on the already stained carpet. I slapped her hard across the face and she fell to the floor. “Get out my house now, you bitch.” She grabbed her bag and ran, God knows where. I mean, she left her family for me, so she was on her own. I lived for this life. Every day since that day, I was a changed man. That day when I thought my life was over, but that was Lee’s life ending. This is me now!

Matt

As I climbed out the taxi outside the address I had been informed you live at, I was almost mown down by a chick that’s running in the other direction, her face covered in tears. I frowned at her. She looked familiar. Wasn’t she on EastEnders? I dismissed the thought and stared up at your flat.

Finally, I’m here. I’m ready for my revenge.

I stared at the buzzer, and ran my finger down it, searching for ‘Bourne’. The door opened and hit me in the side. I turned to see whoever it was. It was you.

Crap.

I couldn’t help but stare at you. How could you have gotten better looking?! You didn’t deserve to get better looking?! “Sorry,” you muttered, holding the door until I took hold of it. Then you jogged down the few steps to the pavement and headed off down the street.

One…Two…Three…Four…Five.

I dropped the door into place and followed you, keeping a safe distance behind you. You turned a corner, and I paused before peeing round, just in case you’d noticed me and we now waiting for me. I swooped round it gracefully, and saw you further up the street.

I’m after you, you unfeeling bastard. You’re not going to get away with this.

I frowned as you suddenly swung into a doorway. I walked to the spot where you disappeared and stared at the filthy looking doorway. Above it, in large neon lettering, were the words ‘Drop Your…’.

Oh, dear God…

I moved inside, past the overly muscular woman standing by the door and into the interior of the club. The pounding techno music hit me hard, and the strobe lighting made everyone appear to be in slow motion. I moved over to towards the bar.

Why the hell am I even here?

A woman slinked up to me, wearing only just enough material to cover what she had to, “Hey, handsome. You droppin’ tonight?” I stared at her. She was attractive, to be sure, and normally, had I been back home, she would’ve been exactly the type I would have gone for to vent off a little sexual frustration. I’d never gotten involved since you. I never saw the point of getting serious with anyone until you were out my system.

But, will you ever be…?

I saw you at the bar. And I let out a small sigh. You looked amazing! You’d let your hair grow out slightly, and it looked lighter than before, and you’d added a black streak to the front. Your face looked harder than it had when we were teenagers, and there was a frown, rather than a grin on your lips. Your eyes were the same striking blue as before, however, but were narrowed on a spot directly in front of you as you sipped on a pint. I shrugged off Miss. Can’t-Afford-To-Buy-Actual-Clothes and headed over to you. I stood next to the woman next to you, and ordered a pint for myself.

Move away, woman. Move away.

I was in luck. She got her alcopop and moved away. I didn’t look over at you. That would’ve been about as sly as going up to you and saying: “Hi, it’s Lee. Remember me?” before throwing my fist into your face. No, I had to be cunning about it. I had to humiliate you just as you did me, I mused as I felt your gaze settle on me.

You’re going down, Bourne.

James
 
Meh, I need a drink. I sat on one of those incredibly uncomfortable bar stools. “What you having?” the barman asked. Hm, should I get drunk slowly and enjoy my drinks…? Or quite simply get drunk as soon as I could…? I was getting pissed either way.
 
“Strongest thing you’ve got.” He just stood and sort of glared at me. Some people really piss me off. “Do you get paid to stare? No, you get paid to serve. Hurry up!”
 
He thumped a pint glass down onto the table, causing some of its contents to spill onto the surface. “Sorry for the wait.”
 
I took a tight hold of his wrist, causing his hand to turn slightly purple. “Make sure it doesn’t happen again.” I flashed him a smile and the idiotic barman scurried off.  I guessed you were crying. Tears didn’t work on me.
 
“Hi,” someone else says, coming over to stand in front of me. Who the fuck? “Remember me?”

“I’m sorry, who are you?”
 
You laugh at me. Why are you laughing? “My name’s Matt, but you can call me Lee…”

Matt

I know I shouldn’t have given into temptation, but the look on your face at that moment in time almost made up for it. You looked as though you’d forgotten to breathe, and your eyes were bulging out their sockets. “Docherty…?” you asked breathlessly. “Lee Docherty?”

“Used to be,” I took a sip of my pint, still basking in the look on your face. You ran your critical gaze over me, taking me in as I was now.

“Jesus! Lee! You look…”

“Better than I did when you rejected me?” I kept my voice casually interested, knowing from past experience that that worked better than getting mad.

You’re eyes widened even more, which I wasn’t even aware was possible. “God, Lee. That was fucking years ago. And I-”

“-had your reasons,” I finished dryly. “So I heard from the geek you sent to come tell me not to go anywhere near you anymore. Well,” I tipped my pint towards you. “You got your wish, didn’t you?”

And now, I’m going to get mine. And I wish that you’d suffer as much as I did.

You slumped loosely over the bar, finally looking away from me, “Well, you hardly tried to fucking talk to me.”

“With your friends acting as bodyguards all the time?” I took another sip of my pint. “No, thank you.”

*****

2000

“Hey, gay boy,” Charlie Jenkins said brightly, leaning against the locker next to mine as I switched my books around. “I got a message for you.”

“And you expect me to listen to a guy who just called me ‘gay boy’?” I asked, not even looking at him.

“It’s from James…” he said tauntingly. I slanted him a sideways glance. You? What? So after a year you decided to acknowledge my existence again?

“Okay, tell me. So I can go home, like the gay I am, and write it in my pink fluffy diary.”

He picked up the sarcasm in my voice, and it was clear he didn’t like it. “Watch it, Docherty,” he hissed. He regained his composure as I closed my locker firmly, my sign to him to get on with it. “He says he wants to talk to you.”

“Yeah, well, the feeling’s not mutual.”

He looked as though I’d just said that my greatest fantasy was to sleep with a warthog. “Sorry?”

“I don’t want to see him,” I told him slowly, making sure he understood. “He told me not to come near me, and I’m doing that.” I wasn’t going to let him humiliate me again. “Tell him that I’m simply adhering to his request.” With that, I turned and walked off, leaving Charlie standing there as his brain tried to process what I’d just said.

*****

2006

“Well, they were better friends than you ever proved to be…”

I nodded slowly, “Tell me, James. Did you ever go to that Green Day concert?”

You stared at me, then glanced down into your pint. “No.”

“Yeah, great, sacrificing friends.” I waited until you looked back up at me with a look of slight distaste. “Basket Case sounded good live, by the way.”

James
 
“Lee, you don’t even like Green Day!”

“Shows how much of a friend you are… Who are you to tell me what I do and don’t like? And, it’s Matt, by the way.” Your eyes seemed to burn through my skull, causing tension to rise between us.

I held my chin in my hands, and gazed at the strobe lights that danced around the club. “Matt. Why is your name Matt?”
 
You just sort of continued staring at me. “What’s that meant to mean?”

“Well, you were okay being Lee.”

“For you, of all people, to say that disgusts me. You’re probably the main reason of this.” You stood up and twirled round on the spot- which, although this was a serious situation, still caused me to smirk behind my hand.
 
“Listen, Lee- er, Matt, can we talk about this somewhere else?”
 
You once again began to stare at me, but this time with added anger. “No, James. I’d rather we talked about it here.”

Matt

You stared at me, your eyes narrowed slightly in a way that would’ve scared most people half to death. I stood my ground though, and when you realized that, your eyes narrowed even more. “We’re talking outside,” you hissed, taking hold of my upper arm and pulling me out the door with the astonishing strength I’d half-forgotten you possessed.

*****

2000

“You know how bad it looks?” you snapped at me. “That I have to come find you myself in order to talk to you because you won’t come to me?”

I rubbed my upper arm lightly and glanced around the classroom you’d pulled me into. “That’s not my fault, Bourne. You told me to stay away, so I did. I was only respecting a ‘popular’s’ wishes.”

“I also asked you to fucking talk to me, you wouldn’t do that.”

“I didn’t want to.” I finally looked at you properly, taking in the look of utter disgust on your slim face. “It’s not all about you.”

You glared at me for a moment, then seemed to notice that it wasn’t doing anything. “We have to talk.”

I seated myself on the edge of the desk, “Then, by all means, talk.”

You stared at me, your face totally blank, then you seemed to remember what you were saying. “I think you should apologize.”

“For what?!” I jumped to my feet, “It may shock you immensely to learn this, Bourne, but I wasn’t actually the one who did anything wrong!”

“So you decided to do nothing to amend our relationship. The only proper friendship you’ve ever had, in your entire life, and you just let me walk off.” You stepped backwards and stared at me. As you did so, a smirk curled on your face. “Why are you complaining, Lee? The way I see it, it’s partly due to me that you’ve learned to be your own person.”

*****

2006

“What have you done to yourself?” you asked me, as you pulled me down onto a bench.

“What have I done to myself?” I repeated slowly. “I’ve made myself into someone I can bear to look at. I spent years looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. Hating the face I was born with, the body I was born with. I needed to change myself. I needed to be able to walk down a street and not sense people’s disgust, people’s hatred towards me. I was sick of being glared at for what I am. And I was sick of caring!! So I changed. I became this. I ditched everything about Lee Docherty. The name, the appearance, the life, I even moved house. I fully became Mathew James Willis. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I let you drive me to that.” I broke off, aware that my body was physically shaking.

“Lee…”

“But one thing never changed,” I interrupted. “In three years, one thing always remained.” I looked up at you. You weren’t trying to say anything else, you were just watching. “You. You wrecked my life. You made me hate who I was. And I couldn’t get you out my mind.”

James
 
“Listen, Matt, you’re crazy! How did I magically take over your mind?” You were thinking. I wasn’t sure what about, but you were thinking about something in great detail.

You opened your mouth slightly as if you were going to speak, but you closed your mouth again soon after. You then slid your body smoothly up the bench, resulting in you sitting just millimetres from myself. “You want to know, but you can’t handle the truth,” you said firmly.

I let his words sink in before I replied. “Try me, Lee.”

“Matt,” you corrected.

“Yeah, whatever, Jacob.”

A frown appeared on your face, “What?”

I sighed, “Just say it, Mattie.”

“It’s Matt.”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE! GO!” I snapped. You tilted your head, like you did when you were thinking. But, why were you moving? Your head slowly came closer to my face before you landed your lips on mine. I tried to resist, but it was too much. I mean, I was sexually frustrated! I hadn’t had sex since, like, last night! I slowly began to kiss you back, but then you broke away suddenly, almost instantly- as if it were a reflex. You stared at me in disbelief, whilst I grinned and then licked my lips. “Told you I could handle it…”

Matt

I had to fight to stop the smirk from coming to my lips. I had the bastard exactly where I wanted him. You looped an arm round my waist and pulled me closer to you, your lips meeting mine again. I felt your tongue trace my bottom lip, and I allowed you entry into my mouth, where my tongue met yours.

*****

2001

Prom. A brilliant time for most students. You get to say goodbye to the high school and look forward to the future… One night where your biggest worry is what to wear or how to do your hair. Then why did I feel so crap? Getting sick of sitting, watching the people swaying hypnotically to the slow music pumping out the speakers, I got up and left. We were having our prom in a local sports club, so I headed for the exit. “Lee!” a voice called behind me.

“Fuck off, James,” I said simply, not stopping. “I feel bad enough as it is, thanks to you.”

“Me?!”

I stopped suddenly, and spun to face you. “Yes. You heard correctly. You. Shock horror: You’re not perfect. Everyone hates me because you told them I attacked you after you rejected me, which- according to my memory- didn’t actually happen! Now, everyone thinks I’m a stalking freak! I’ve been trying to avoid you all year. So just leave me alone, okay? Go back to your ‘proper’ friends.”

“But-”

“Look, you got what you wanted. You’re popular. Guys want to be you, girls want to date you, and all that crap. So, why- now you have it all- are you still fucking with me?”

I took a step back, “You got yourself in, you get yourself out. You can’t just apologize for two years of torture, Bourne.”

His eyes narrowed, “You’d be too bitter and twisted to accept it if I could.”

*****

2006

But you wanted me now, didn’t you, James? Now that I’m someone you could stand to be seen next to. Someone you could kiss without wanting to be sick. But I didn’t want you. It was ironic, really. Now that I could have you, you were the last thing I wanted. I knew what I was going to do, though. I was going to make you fall in love with me, as I did with you all those years ago. I was going to string you along, and then I was going to break you into tiny little pieces. So suddenly that you’d never see it coming. No-one forgives that easily. You can’t just apologize for seven years of torture, Bourne.

James

I wrapped my arm round your waist, feeling every stud along your ink-black belt’s width. You pulled away, gasping for breath. “So, where d’you live, then?”

I let a smile play on my lips, “Why? You interested?”

“Maybe… Or maybe I’m just a bit…”

“Excited?” I guessed.

You looked at me as if I was some sort of dimwit. God, where the hell did you get that impression? “No… Just a bit curious.” You grabbed my collar- which, for unknown reasons, sent waves of excitement down my back.

“Yeah, so about my place…” You laughed as I took your hand as we walked down the moonlit street.

Matt

You were upon me as soon as we got into your house, pressing against me, kissing me in the way I’d always wanted you to back in high school. Now, it just felt bland. Like part of a long job. That’s what it was. Part of a long job. I broke the kiss and looked down as I felt you doing something down below. You were already working on my belt. “Eager, aren’t we…?” I asked you, a little out of breath.

You grinned, and planted a short, sweet kiss on my lips, “You have no idea.”

*****

1996

First day of high school. First day in a new city. Why’d we have to move here, anyway? I slouched into my form room, and chose a seat right at the back, where no-one would bother me too much. I got out the notebook that I wrote my poems in and settled down to create. “Excuse me?” a voice asked a moment later. “Is this seat free?”

I looked up at you, noticing that you looked as out of place as I personally felt. “Yeah, sure.”

“Thanks.” You sat down carefully. “I meant to get here earlier to claim one of the back tables so I wouldn’t face the questions the new kids who weren’t at the right primary get asked, but I slept in.”

I smiled at you, and shut the notebook, “Good thing I didn’t, then.”

You laughed, and held out a hand, “I’m James.”

I shook it, “Lee.”

“Okay, guys,” a teacher breezed in. “I have your timetable’s here. Just wave when I call your name.” He squinted at the list in front of him, “James Boorne?”

“It’s Bourne!” you corrected in an irritated sounding voice. The teacher apologized and handed you a timetable. You scanned over it, your face not registering that much emotion. “Could be worse,” you muttered, moving it over slightly so I could see.

“Lee Docherty?”

“Here,” I called.

“Why did he say it in an Irish accent?” you whispered to me as the teacher came over. “It’s not a required thing.”

I grinned, “Some people think it makes it sound like they know more…” I smiled brightly as the teacher stopped next to us, and ignored the fact that you were shaking with laughter. “Thank you, sir.”

“Wow!” you remarked, as I quickly turned my timetable the right way up so I could see it. “Eager, aren’t we…?”

I grinned again, “You have no idea.”

*****

2006

We stumbled back into your bedroom, you loosening my trousers so they pooled around my ankles before I kicked them off. You’d discarded your jacket back in the hall, so I pulled your t-shirt up over your head, taking in the smooth, hairless chest before me. You took my hand, and pressed it in the centre so I could feel your heartbeat. “You want me?” you asked innocently, and it rose.

I nodded, “Yes.” Your heartbeat got even faster. I, then, removed my hand so I could gently kiss your neck, my hands working at your jeans.

“Get back.” You shoved me backwards and, after a collision of something with my knees, I found myself falling. Then I was caught by a mattress. You straddled me, pulling my top up over my head. I heard you have a sharp intake of breath, and suddenly I felt self-conscious. Was I getting fat?

“I’m-” I began, trying to get up, but you held me down.

“That’s amazing…” You smiled at me, the first smile you’d given me since we met up again that seemed to be all it was. “You’re gorgeous.” You lowered your mouth to mine, and you feasted.

James
 
Unexpected. That’s all I could say about what I’d just seen. Unexpected. You slid your hands down my torso while our lips were still tightly connected. Your hands then began to start fiddling with my belt. Your hands were all over the place. I put my hands on top of yours and gave you a bit of help with undoing my belt buckle. You managed to get my trousers off yourself, though. You lightly whispered to me through gasps: “Take me.”
 
I placed gentle kisses on your neck as I listened to you pleading over and over again. This was making me feel as if I had more power over this situation than you did. No changes there. “You want me L- Matts?”

You gently noddded, “You know, James; I can be Lee if you want me to be.”

Matt

You controlling bastard. You thought you were in charge. You bought the whole nervous, shy act. Fine. I’d let you believe I was weak; it would only shock you more in the long run. “You know, James; I can be Lee if you want me to be.”

You shook your head, your hair swishing from side to side as you did so, “No… You’re Matt. My Matts.” You kissed my neck softly, then moved south towards my chest. Your hot, hungry mouth closed over one of my nipples, and I couldn’t help but shudder in pleasure. You must’ve felt it because I felt you smile through your movements. You really thought you could control me, it was pathetic. And I was through with being the pathetic one.

*****

1996

“Where are we going?” I asked you for approximately the fifth time.

“It’s this way. I promise,” you said.

I sighed, and glanced sideways at a sign on the wall, “James! This’ the science department! We’re on the wrong side of the school!”

He looked sheepish, “Whoops! Well… We’re late already…”

“This’ the seventh class you’ve managed to misguide me to this week!” I’m navigating from now on!” I snatched the badly-drawn school map out his hands and pointed at it. “See? Look, art department: here. We’re way over here.”

“Ah…”

“This way.” I turned us round and we headed back the way we’d come. We’d only been at his school for four days, but we were already having trouble in getting round it. You weren’t really helping, though. You had no idea how to read a map. And it was due to that that a few of my teachers had already pegged me as the disobedient type, which wasn’t true. I was just letting you drag my name through the mud.

“Slow down,” you whined as I rounded a corner.

“Hurry up,” I whined back at you in the same tone. “You know, for some bizarre reason, I actually want to get to the class before it ends.

You caught my arm, and held me back, “Slow down, or we’re not going anywhere.”

I stared at you pleadingly, but you stared back with a kind of grim determination. I sighed, “James… We have to get back to class…”

You patted the back of my hand gently, “And we will… Patience, Lee…” You could tell that you’d already won the fight, so began to lead me slowly, by the wrist, down the corridor.

“Can we speed up slightly?” I begged.

Your reply was cheerful, “Nope.”

*****

2006

I gasped as you moved up and down my length, sucking and blowing gently on the tip. My hands were on your shoulders, almost as if I were holding you in. My euphoria kept rising the more you carried on. “James!” I panted. “I’m gonna-” I couldn’t finish my sentence. I came right into your mouth. But you didn’t pull back in disgust, as I’d imagined you would. Quite the opposite, in fact, you stayed exactly where you were, swallowing every last drop.

“Your warning didn’t give me much time, Matts,” you noted seriously. Then you broke into a grin, one that reached your eyes properly, “Not that I’m complaining.”

I pulled you up towards me and kissed you sweetly, “Good, I’d hate to think you were bored of me already…” No, that wouldn’t do. I needed to stick around for longer, play up the naïve angle.

You flicked a finger over the tip of my nose softly, “We’re not done yet. And, carry on like this; I won’t be bored with you anytime soon…”

James

I woke up the following morning in my bed. Alone. Where the hell did you go last night? I stood up and looked out of the window, my head spinning. God, you were good in bed, Lee- er… Matt. God, I needed to learn those things. I walked back over to the bed and plonked myself down in the place that we lay last night.
I fell back on the bed limply and see a small folded piece of paper on my pillow. I picked it up and unfolded it.

Dear James,
Last night was awesome. I never would have thought it would have been anywhere near as good as that.
Meet me at the club on Regents Street tonight at 8.
You need a reservation, so tell them your James Bourne and that your reservation will be under Willis.
Please come as it’s important, and I really wanna see you again
Love Matt xx

Matt Willis. I wondered where he got that name from. It rang a bell. Anyways, it doesn’t matter. He asked me out on a date. I was obviously going to make people jealous if I took him out on a date. I mean, there were girls and gay guys, and you got a lot of them both in this shitty town. I sat up once again and looked over at the black clock hanging on the wall opposite me. It read 4:36- which wasn’t really a bad time for me. It gave me around 3 hours to get ready and half and hour to get there so I should be fine. But, what do you wear? I knew how to impress girls in the clothing department, but how did you dress up for guys? Wear a pretty scarf or bright pink leg warmers? Ah, well, I had plenty of time to rake the good ol’ wardrobe.

TO BE CONTINUED...