To my you…
Do you recognise those words,
Matt? Do you remember writing them? Do you remember pouring your heart out to her with those very words? You better. ‘Cause
I want you to be fully aware that those are the words that broke my heart.
How could you? How could
you swear to me that you loved me? How could you promise me you would end it with her when she clearly means far more to you
than I ever did?
James Bourne: Unlovable.
A brand new album. I was
feeling so good about it, so excited about it, so eager to see what our fans thought of it.
Then I had a flick through
the lyrics in the CD sleeve to make sure they were okay, and came to the thank-yous.
Your thank-yous.
“To my you, I would not be
the guy I am without you in my life. You bring me untold confidence and I love you more everyday.”
Don’t try to tell me
it wasn’t for her. Don’t try to deny anything. I know, Matt. I know the truth. I’m not as stupid as everyone
seems to believe.
My only mistake was ever
falling in love with you.
You lied to me. You were
probably laughing at me the whole time.
Well, this was my wake-up
call. I can see what you are now. Are you purposefully trying to destroy me?
‘A Present For Everyone’? I guess this is mine…
But that wasn’t all,
Matt. Was it?
What cut me up even more?
You didn’t even thank
me.
Yes… That was the perfect
gift…
The Foo Fighters and Blink-182
get your attention, your praise.
But I’m not even mentioned.
Charlie’s not in there
either, but he doesn’t seem to cut up about it. Do we mean nothing to you, Matt? Were we just there to help you get
to where you are today? Do we not deserve some sort of message from you?
How could you thank her,
Matt, -when she’s done fuck-all for you- and ignore me?
Words cannot describe the
deep rooted loathing I feel for you as I write this. I want to throw you on a fire and hear you scream in agony as your flesh
burns. I want to drive a knife into your gut and twist it until you fall lifelessly into my arms. I wish you were dead.
I wish this pain would go
away.
But, I can’t hurt you.
I hate you. And, yet, I still
love you.
It’s like you have
a hold over me. One that I cannot escape. I’m trapped in an endless cycle of being led on then let down by you.
I’m sick of it.
I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t take seeing
your face when you come home the morning after staying at hers.
I can’t take you cuddling
up to me, using me, whenever you feel down.
I can’t take any more
of your lies.
All I can take are these
pills.
I’ve counted them perfectly.
It will work, I know it will. I just have to take them and it’ll be done.
It’ll all be over.
‘Bye, Matt. I’ll
always love you. Even if the feelings will never be returned.
To my you. Always love you.
James x
*****
A single tear makes a solitary
track down my cheek as I sit in your bedroom. The envelope on the bed next to me, your letter still in my hands.
I was too late. I’d known
the second I walked in the front door and seen the man I love lying motionless on the floor, an envelope with my own name
printed on it clutched in one stiff, cool hand.
You were dead by the time the
ambulance arrived.
I pick up the CD sleeve that
was also in with the letter. The lines which killed you circled clearly in a tip-ex pen as a constant reminder that this is
my fault.
Oh, James. How could you ever
believe there was anyone other than you?
I love you so much.
I don’t know how I’m
going to handle the fact that you’re gone.
Why did you think you weren’t
mentioned anywhere else?
It was for you.
It was always for you.
And no-one will ever take that
away from you.
No-one will ever take your place.
Charlie appears at the door,
looking at me with pity in his eyes. He knows how I feel about you. He knows how much I’m suffering.
A week has passed. A week in
which I haven’t cried properly, haven’t broken down over your death.
I feel as if there’s something
building up inside me.
You would want me to let it out,
but I can’t. I just can’t process the fact that you’re gone.
I love you with all my heart,
James.
“To my you”?
You’re my you.
